Benefit of the Doubt

I think we should all give the benefit of the doubt more often. It would keep peace between friends and family and it would avert many miscommunications. As humans, we need to learn to be more forgiving of each other. We need to learn not to take things so personally. Upon reflection, I bet you’ll find what you’ve taken personally, is not about you at all.

My husband’s grandmother recently passed away and his Aunt delivered a wonderful tribute to her. She mentioned how her mother would always take the time to listen to all of her kids complain when they had an issue with someone. She would calmly listen. After they were done, she would say: “What you don’t know is if that person recently suffered a loss, had to stay up all night with a sick baby, came into rough economic times, etc.” Her point: perhaps at face value they were rude, insensitive, self-absorbed, etc. However, what made them that way in that instant? Give them the benefit of the doubt.

I think we owe that to each other. I dare say not one of us on this planet is perfect. Do I like it when someone is rude, distracted, insensitive, self-absorbed or angry? No, I do not. However, have I ever been rude, distracted, insensitive , self-absorbed or angry? Yes, I have. We all have. Remember this the next time you are quick to judge your friend, your father, your sister, your brother, your mother, your teacher, your coworker or yes, even a stranger.

I read so many posts on Facebook that actually sadden me. So many people post items that reflect their rush to judgment that ultimately reveals they are mad at a friend, neighbor, family member or stranger. What a wasted effort to be mad, or I should say to hold a grudge. We all get mad. However, when you let that feeling take over your sensibilities and can’t let go, it is not healthy. I’m willing to bet, it is not worth it either.

Often we get upset or mad when someone does not meet our expectations. Well, guess what? That is about YOU, NOT THEM! It is unfair to expect someone to meet YOUR expectations unless you’ve clearly outlined those expectations. If a friend forgets your birthday or your mom doesn’t call you on Christmas, or your daughter loses your IPod, don’t hold a grudge. Forgive, let it go. We need to learn the limitations of our friends and family and come to accept them as they are. I’m not saying to ignore it. Share your feelings; let them know how it made you feel, then move on. Do not tell everyone on your Facebook page or everyone in your office or school and then NOT tell the person who disappointed you.

If someone continually disappoints you or consistently behaves in a way that you are not comfortable with, just distance yourself. You can do this in an amicable way without holding grudges or writing the person the off. Believe me; I know there are extreme situations that this approach does not work for. I’m just saying, for the most part, the benefit of the doubt works. I honestly can’t think of a grudge I’ve ever held. I have friends who will read this—if you can think of one, refresh my memory. I get disappointed in people and angry sometimes, however, after I experience it, I let it go. Move on. Walk on.

I even give the benefit of the doubt to perfect strangers. I was so hoping Balloon Boy wasn’t a hoax. I saw the Wolf Blitzer interview and I still rationalized how it could be real. My theory is: I’d rather be wrong about thinking someone was acting with integrity and good intentions vs. wrong about thinking they were acting with ill intentions. Wouldn’t you? So, I was wrong about the Balloon Boy incident. Ultimately, who cares that I was wrong? My conscious would care if I immediately jumped to accuse the dad of staging the incident and then learned it was real.

Give the benefit of the doubt when:
*You’re not invited to a friend’s party (maybe the party was for a different circle of friends or maybe they needed to have a limit and couldn’t include everyone)
*You recognize a friend at the mall and they do not say hi (maybe they did not see you, they’re so focused on their mission, they could’ve looked right at you and not have seen you; or they didn’t sense recognition from you and thought you wouldn’t remember them, etc.)
*A friend forgets your birthday (life gets crazy and it happens sometimes—shouldn’t be a reflection on what kind of friend that person is)
*Someone forgets to pay you back money you loaned (perhaps it truly slipped their mind)
*A friend makes a wise crack at your expense. (they were trying to be funny and may have crossed the line. Sometimes it is hard to define that line with a friend until something happens)
*Your mother hints that you should stop eating ice cream and cookies because your pants are becoming too tight. (Hey, that is what a mom does!!!)

Above is just a sampling of little things we can “give” the benefit of the doubt to. Obviously, patterns of behavior over time are different. For instance, if a friend never pays you back and now owes you mucho money--well, that is an issue. I’m just saying, initially, do not judge, give the benefit of the doubt.

Remember the words of Bono, The Edge, Larry and, yes, Adam:

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind