As many of you know Storm Alfred wreaked some havoc in my state and my town. Oddly, during the eight days without power, I never got frustrated or stressed or angry. I really was thankful for many things. This is funny, because after Hurricane Irene, we lost power for only 24 hours and I was so stressed that our sump pumps would over flow into the basement, I was a borderline lunatic. Back then, I was thankful for our neighbor Robert who hooked up his generator to our pumps to pump us out a few times a day!
I reflected on all I was grateful for during the aftermath of storm Alfred and they are:
•My forward thinking (okay, you can think of it as doomsday thinking or my husband attributed it to my love of spending money.) in buying a generator immediately after storm Irene. My husband is right, I do have problem and love to shop—but really, does he think my problem is so bad that I would gleefully choose to spend that much money on a piece of equipment? Regardless of the reason, he was pretty happy on day two of the power outage when we could hook up the sump pumps! We only used it for the sump pumps and our electric chainsaw so my husband could take care of the tree debris in the yard. Most people have gas chainsaws—not us—we had to hook up our electric chainsaw to a gas powered generator!!!
•It could’ve been worse. Imagine if this happened in January. (Mind you, I realize the devastation would not be as bad in January because the leaves would’ve been off the trees…..) However, I was grateful that it was not 20 degrees outside. We did not need to use the generator for heat. Yes, the house was cold. We spent many days outside of the house and at night we all slept in the basement with blankets. I was actually too warm some nights!
•Perhaps I did not go crazy because I had a warm, friendly house to shower in. My niece and her family never lost power—and they only live about 3 miles away from us. I was extremely grateful for their hospitality. It was nice to shower, warm up, charge my phone and have some fun meals with her family and other displaced houseguests!
•Facebook, yes I said it. I am grateful for Facebook AND my smart phone. The information I received from Facebook friends, the local news channels and especially, my town’s police department was vital. If you are on Facebook, check to see if your local police department has a Facebook page. I checked for their status updates all the time. A big thank you goes out to the local police. Sometimes I wonder if a smart phone is worth the monthly charge. I will not question that anymore.
•I mentioned how at night I would often get too warm. I have the best blanket to thank for that. I bought it at Target last year—it is their own “Home” brand. One of my best purchases ever. I liked the first one I bought last year so much; I bought three more so we would all have one. They are so warm and soft. I did check to see if they have them on their shelves this year—and they do not. I will keep checking!
• The Alphabet game and Six Degrees of……. I was thankful for these games that do not require light or any type of power—just family and friends! If you do not know what the Alphabet game is—it is simple. You pick a topic, for instance movies. You then take turns going through the alphabet naming movies that begin with the letter you received. (e.g. All The President’s Men; Benji; Casablanca, etc.) The problem is you tend to run out of categories. We actually ended up using "swear words" as a category with our teenage daughters. Hey, it was a historic storm—we needed to add some levity to the situation!! Oh and if you do not know the Six Degrees game—essentially you mention two actors and try to link them via their work. (E.g. Danny Glover and Taylor Swift—how do you link them? Danny to James Marsden (Death at a Funeral) Marsden to Kate Bosworth (Straw Dogs) Bosworth to Topher Grace (Win a Date with Tad Hamilton) Grace to Swift in Valentine’s Day. (We found you can link many people through Valentine’s Day and Ocean’s 11). The best part of the game was when Taylor Lautner was mentioned my husband said, “I have heard of her, who is she again?” Immediately a tweet was fired off by a kid to share Dad’s lack of Lautner knowledge.
•The kindness of friends--we received many offers to warm up, charge electronics, shower and use WIFI. It is wonderful to see such kindness.
•CL&P and all the other line crews from other states and Canada that helped us get our power back! They have taken a lot of heat—but Alfred was very destructive. I would not have expected to get power back in less than 5 days. It is all about setting your expectations people. Not everything in 2011 can be fixed with a push of a button.
•Finally, I am a bit of TV addict. My daughters are too. Well, we all survived a week without television. (My niece’s cable was out so we did not have access to TV or the internet there.) However, why was that so easy? Knowing that we could catch up On Demand or online!!!!
Eight days without power was not the worst experience in my life, in fact I thought parts of it were quite fun!
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Idol Theme Week: Jodi Picks the Songs!
I may blog about AI a little too much this season. I was skeptical about whether they could keep my interest without Simon. I know sometimes his comments were less than courteous and quite biting, however, he often spoke the truth. However, I am loving it this season. I do think JLO and Tyler need to learn to give constructive criticism because not everyone is always great.
I love the eclectic mix of singers this season. My two favorites are Casey Abrams and Paul McDonald. I know there may be better “singers’ than Paul in the competition, however, when I pick a favorite it is based on whether I would spend money on their music or a concert. I can appreciate a great singer, but it doesn’t mean I will buy their music. It just may not be my style of music. For instance, I know Celine Dion and Mariah Carey have fantastic pipes, but you will not find a song by either of them on my iPod. (Ed.note--I realized I do have at least one of them on my iPod due to a Christmas compilation album!)
I know when I see Casey Abrams in concert, not only will I hear a style of music I appreciate and enjoy; I will also be amused in between songs with his spot on sense of humor. It is hard for me to separate personality from talent. You could be the most talented person in the world, but if you do not have a personality that appeals to me or if I can’t respect you, I do not care about your talent. This goes way back for me. Poor Richard Chamberlain. When I was about 8 years old, I saw the Towering Inferno. Do you know who started the fire in The Towering Inferno? Richard Chamberlain. After that, I never liked him!! Okay, I know that is harsh. Yes, I can separate fiction from reality…NOW! Relating it back to Idol…I was not sad to see Jordan go last week. During group week, I found him to be pompous and obnoxious. So, I it was hard for me to root for him.
Okay, so my wish for 2011 is that Nigel Lythgoe calls me to say, next week’s theme week is “Songs Chosen by Jodi Oliver”. So, yes, I’m dreaming. Who cares what I think? However, it still fun to dream. So, below is my list of 2-3 song choices for each contestant. I had to follow one rule; I had to choose a song that I own. (I’m also not paying attention to my rule for contestants that they should sing songs that are well known. This is a private concert for ME!)
Casey:
The Cave by Mumford and Sons
Couldn’t Care More by Fine Young Cannibals
Til Kingdome Come by Coldplay
Pia:
Bright Lights and Promises by Janis Ian
Like a Bridge Over Troubled Water by Simon and Garfunkel
Paul:
Wonderwall by Oasis
There Will Be A Light by Ben Harper and The Blind Boys of Alabama
Til Kingdom Come by Coldplay (I know, I know..maybe they could do a duet)
(He could also do any Ray LaMontagne song)
Jacob:
Crying by Roy Orbison
Without a Song by George Benson
Thia:
I’m Not That Girl from Wicked
Here Comes the Sun the Beatles
Naima:
Chasing Pavement by Adele
I Who Have Nothing by Shirley Bassey
Ashton:
I Am Changing from Dreamgirls
Midnight by Yaz
Scotty:
Sail On by the Commodores (good non-country choice for him)
We Shall Be Free by Garth Brooks (I know he just sang Garth but..I love this song)
He Stopped Loving Her Today by George Jones (might be too depressing for Idol)
Haley:
The Trouble With Love is by Kelly Clarkson
Climb On by Shawn Colvin
Stepping Stone by Duffy
James:
Wild Flower by The Cult
I Alone by Live
Just Breath by Pearl Jam—for a pure softer side of James
Karen:
Ain’t No Mountain High Enough by Diana Ross
Songbird by Eva Cassidy
Lauren:
I’m so Lonesome I Could Cry by Hank Williams
Tomorrow by Lilix
Stefano:
Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word by Elton John
U Smile by Justin Bieber (It is a good song!)
I’d also love a duet of Lauren and Scotty singing “I Was Country, When Country Wasn’t Cool.”
I love the eclectic mix of singers this season. My two favorites are Casey Abrams and Paul McDonald. I know there may be better “singers’ than Paul in the competition, however, when I pick a favorite it is based on whether I would spend money on their music or a concert. I can appreciate a great singer, but it doesn’t mean I will buy their music. It just may not be my style of music. For instance, I know Celine Dion and Mariah Carey have fantastic pipes, but you will not find a song by either of them on my iPod. (Ed.note--I realized I do have at least one of them on my iPod due to a Christmas compilation album!)
I know when I see Casey Abrams in concert, not only will I hear a style of music I appreciate and enjoy; I will also be amused in between songs with his spot on sense of humor. It is hard for me to separate personality from talent. You could be the most talented person in the world, but if you do not have a personality that appeals to me or if I can’t respect you, I do not care about your talent. This goes way back for me. Poor Richard Chamberlain. When I was about 8 years old, I saw the Towering Inferno. Do you know who started the fire in The Towering Inferno? Richard Chamberlain. After that, I never liked him!! Okay, I know that is harsh. Yes, I can separate fiction from reality…NOW! Relating it back to Idol…I was not sad to see Jordan go last week. During group week, I found him to be pompous and obnoxious. So, I it was hard for me to root for him.
Okay, so my wish for 2011 is that Nigel Lythgoe calls me to say, next week’s theme week is “Songs Chosen by Jodi Oliver”. So, yes, I’m dreaming. Who cares what I think? However, it still fun to dream. So, below is my list of 2-3 song choices for each contestant. I had to follow one rule; I had to choose a song that I own. (I’m also not paying attention to my rule for contestants that they should sing songs that are well known. This is a private concert for ME!)
Casey:
The Cave by Mumford and Sons
Couldn’t Care More by Fine Young Cannibals
Til Kingdome Come by Coldplay
Pia:
Bright Lights and Promises by Janis Ian
Like a Bridge Over Troubled Water by Simon and Garfunkel
Paul:
Wonderwall by Oasis
There Will Be A Light by Ben Harper and The Blind Boys of Alabama
Til Kingdom Come by Coldplay (I know, I know..maybe they could do a duet)
(He could also do any Ray LaMontagne song)
Jacob:
Crying by Roy Orbison
Without a Song by George Benson
Thia:
I’m Not That Girl from Wicked
Here Comes the Sun the Beatles
Naima:
Chasing Pavement by Adele
I Who Have Nothing by Shirley Bassey
Ashton:
I Am Changing from Dreamgirls
Midnight by Yaz
Scotty:
Sail On by the Commodores (good non-country choice for him)
We Shall Be Free by Garth Brooks (I know he just sang Garth but..I love this song)
He Stopped Loving Her Today by George Jones (might be too depressing for Idol)
Haley:
The Trouble With Love is by Kelly Clarkson
Climb On by Shawn Colvin
Stepping Stone by Duffy
James:
Wild Flower by The Cult
I Alone by Live
Just Breath by Pearl Jam—for a pure softer side of James
Karen:
Ain’t No Mountain High Enough by Diana Ross
Songbird by Eva Cassidy
Lauren:
I’m so Lonesome I Could Cry by Hank Williams
Tomorrow by Lilix
Stefano:
Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word by Elton John
U Smile by Justin Bieber (It is a good song!)
I’d also love a duet of Lauren and Scotty singing “I Was Country, When Country Wasn’t Cool.”
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Success
How do you measure success?
I think only “YOU” can measure your own success. Success is something that cannot be generalized. What success looks like to me, may look very different to you. So, what does success look like to me? Below are 6 ways I measure success in my life:
1) A life with little or no regrets
2) Contentment
3) Children who treat others with respect and dignity
4) Treasured friends
5) Feeling healthy and fit (regardless of size)
6) A Balanced life (a good mix of family time, friend time and “me” time)
7) The ability to take a family vacation ever year.
8) Children who are comfortable simply being themselves.
I’m sure I could add more to the list, this was just off the top of my head. Now, I’ll explain each of these:
A life with little or no regrets
I really strive to have absolutely no regrets. However, I can think of two actions in my life that I wish I perhaps I would’ve behaved differently. However, I don’t know if I would consider them “regrets.” They are more of a “curiosity”. If I have a life decision to make—I often think of it in terms of future regret. I try to think of all the decision outcomes and which outcome would I regret “if”. Of course, predicting the “if” is always the problem. Another aspect of living life with no regrets is never to be afraid to share your opinion and speak your mind. For those that know me, I do not usually have a problem with sharing my opinion!
Contentment
Some people think of contentment as a negative. I do not. I believe contentment is when you are at peace with how things are in your life. I do not see contentment as “settling” as many do.
Children who treat others with respect and dignity
I’ve said it before; my goal is to raise good citizens. That is a measure of my success. My children will have to measure their own success their way.
Treasured friends
I know I sound like a broken record, but I have wonderful friends. However, by a treasured friend, I mean a friend who thinks of me, as I think of them. I have many friends I can count on for anything. That is only one part of the success of a treasured friend. The other is whether my friends feel like they can count on me for anything. I hope they know they can.
Feeling healthy and fit
This is one part of my life I struggle with. I go through phases of feeling fit and healthy. I need to be more consistent with this portion of my life. I will never be a size 6—my body truly was not meant to be that small. However, I could lose a few pounds. More importantly, I need to be more consistent about exercise. If I never lost a pound, but consistently worked out 3-6 times per week, I’d be happy.
A Balanced Life
I am a true believer in balance.--all aspects of balance. Here I am referring to balancing family time, friend time and time for me. As important as I believe family unit time is, I believe spending time with your friends is just as important to your well being. I also believe, you need to take time for yourself. How you spend that time is different for everyone. For me, that time is writing this blog, going to a movie and shopping.
The ability to take a family vacation every year
I struggled with adding this to the list. I wasn’t sure if it is a true measure of success for me or simply a goal. However, if you reach your goal—I suppose that is a success, right? I love to vacation. I love to expose my kids to new places and experiences. I treasured family vacations as a child and I believe that is why I still love a family vacation.
Children who are comfortable simply being themselves
I want my children to be happy. I believe truly knowing yourself and having the confidence to be yourself is a key to happiness. I hope I have raised my children to have this confidence.
Okay, those are my measures of success. However, when you think of your measures of success it is hard not to think of your shortcomings. I have two shortcomings that I wondered whether I should I add to my measure of success. I feel like I might be “happier” if I was in better control of my clutter and if I was a better cook. (Or should I say if I enjoyed cooking.) However, I don’t measure my success by the cleanliness of my house or the meals that I prepare. I will commit to making improvements in those areas of my life. My problem is, I prioritize everything over cleaning! Life comes before cleaning. At any rate, that is an entirely different subject.
Again, I digress. I’d be interested in hearing what success means to you. Share your thoughts!
I think only “YOU” can measure your own success. Success is something that cannot be generalized. What success looks like to me, may look very different to you. So, what does success look like to me? Below are 6 ways I measure success in my life:
1) A life with little or no regrets
2) Contentment
3) Children who treat others with respect and dignity
4) Treasured friends
5) Feeling healthy and fit (regardless of size)
6) A Balanced life (a good mix of family time, friend time and “me” time)
7) The ability to take a family vacation ever year.
8) Children who are comfortable simply being themselves.
I’m sure I could add more to the list, this was just off the top of my head. Now, I’ll explain each of these:
A life with little or no regrets
I really strive to have absolutely no regrets. However, I can think of two actions in my life that I wish I perhaps I would’ve behaved differently. However, I don’t know if I would consider them “regrets.” They are more of a “curiosity”. If I have a life decision to make—I often think of it in terms of future regret. I try to think of all the decision outcomes and which outcome would I regret “if”. Of course, predicting the “if” is always the problem. Another aspect of living life with no regrets is never to be afraid to share your opinion and speak your mind. For those that know me, I do not usually have a problem with sharing my opinion!
Contentment
Some people think of contentment as a negative. I do not. I believe contentment is when you are at peace with how things are in your life. I do not see contentment as “settling” as many do.
Children who treat others with respect and dignity
I’ve said it before; my goal is to raise good citizens. That is a measure of my success. My children will have to measure their own success their way.
Treasured friends
I know I sound like a broken record, but I have wonderful friends. However, by a treasured friend, I mean a friend who thinks of me, as I think of them. I have many friends I can count on for anything. That is only one part of the success of a treasured friend. The other is whether my friends feel like they can count on me for anything. I hope they know they can.
Feeling healthy and fit
This is one part of my life I struggle with. I go through phases of feeling fit and healthy. I need to be more consistent with this portion of my life. I will never be a size 6—my body truly was not meant to be that small. However, I could lose a few pounds. More importantly, I need to be more consistent about exercise. If I never lost a pound, but consistently worked out 3-6 times per week, I’d be happy.
A Balanced Life
I am a true believer in balance.--all aspects of balance. Here I am referring to balancing family time, friend time and time for me. As important as I believe family unit time is, I believe spending time with your friends is just as important to your well being. I also believe, you need to take time for yourself. How you spend that time is different for everyone. For me, that time is writing this blog, going to a movie and shopping.
The ability to take a family vacation every year
I struggled with adding this to the list. I wasn’t sure if it is a true measure of success for me or simply a goal. However, if you reach your goal—I suppose that is a success, right? I love to vacation. I love to expose my kids to new places and experiences. I treasured family vacations as a child and I believe that is why I still love a family vacation.
Children who are comfortable simply being themselves
I want my children to be happy. I believe truly knowing yourself and having the confidence to be yourself is a key to happiness. I hope I have raised my children to have this confidence.
Okay, those are my measures of success. However, when you think of your measures of success it is hard not to think of your shortcomings. I have two shortcomings that I wondered whether I should I add to my measure of success. I feel like I might be “happier” if I was in better control of my clutter and if I was a better cook. (Or should I say if I enjoyed cooking.) However, I don’t measure my success by the cleanliness of my house or the meals that I prepare. I will commit to making improvements in those areas of my life. My problem is, I prioritize everything over cleaning! Life comes before cleaning. At any rate, that is an entirely different subject.
Again, I digress. I’d be interested in hearing what success means to you. Share your thoughts!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Chinese Tiger Mother
The Chinese Tiger Mother has sparked a great deal of discussion lately. If you do not know what I’m referring to google: Wall Street Journal: Amy Chua: Why Chinese parents are superior.
I do not believe any one brand of parenting is superior to another. Parents have the toughest job in the world. There are multiple ways to parent and as parents, we will all succeed and fail at different times.
First, I understand that there are underlying cultural difference here. I actually even believe that perhaps the Chinese parenting model described in this article works best for Chinese children. I am not a scientist by any means, but I do think years of cultural traditions can become more than simply tradition. I wonder if it could be mapped into our DNA.
So, I’m not disputing her theories—I’m just going to share my own that may counter some of hers. Also, I am not generalizing “Chinese parents”—however, I will use that phrase as she did in her article to refer to her model of parenting.
Let me share some of the highlights from the article. The author stated her children will never be allowed to do:
•attend a sleepover
•have a play date
•be in a school play
•complain about not being in a school play
•watch TV or play computer games
•choose their own extracurricular activities
•get any grade less than an A
•not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama
•play any instrument other than the piano or violin
•not play the piano or violin.
Hmm..my children are allowed to do every single one of these items. I think exercising your right to choose ultimately teaches invaluable lessons that are vital to a successful adult life. When you reach adulthood and have a career, you will be overwhelmed with choices; choices that will impact not only you, but potentially your family and your employees. The earlier you can learn or detect the consequence of choices the better.
As far as sleepovers and play dates, I think they are vital to a person's overall well being. (I’m sure Ms. Chua would cringe at that phrase.) I’ve said it before and I’ll say it over and over again…I have the best friends and friendships in the world. I do not know if the bond between my friends and me would be so strong if it weren’t for sleepovers, play dates and extracurricular activities, chosen by me. I have wonderful childhood friends, college friends, work friends and now “mom” friends. I know I can count on any of them during the best and worst of times. I hope they know they can count on me. Honestly, I feel my friendships, and/or my ability to form friendships are the most important resources I have.
The author also stated that the following about Western parents:
•Extremely anxious about their child’s self-esteem
•Only ask their children to do their best (eg. vs. order them to get straight A’s)
•Concerned about the child’s psyches, they assume fragility vs. strength.
I actually do not disagree with any of these statements about Western parents, except that the reason we are concerned about the psyches of our children is because we assume fragility. I don’t think that is the reason.
I do think that parents included in “my’ generation tend to coddle their children a bit. (Even as a society we coddle kids--everyone receives a trophy, dogeball is not alowed during recess, etc.) However, I do believe how a person feels is important. I focus on self-esteem in my house to build upon the strengths my children have. I think we are born strong but people/events can whittle away at that strength. I hope for A’s, but I do not demand them. My kids shoot for A’s on their own. I think it is more meaningful for them to achieve an A when they desire it vs. me demanding it. I was born stubborn, if you demand something from me; I will probably give you the exact opposite of what you demand. Do my children always receive A’s? No, they do not. I do believe they try their best most of the time. I think when do not try their best, it is interesting for them to discover the consequence of their lack of trying. I believe self-discovery is tool that provides a greater impact in the learning process than being “told” something.
Ms. Chua mentioned that in her model it is okay to call your children names (e.g. pathetic, fat, stupid, worthless, garbage) to demonstrate how you feel about their performance. I could never imagine calling my children any of those names, even if they hit their lowest point. I believe you can achieve the same desired results with a different demeanor. It does not mean that I would be “soft” on them—I just would not choose “those” words. There is a managing model called Antecedents Behaviors Consequences, it works well in Corporate America and it works well as a parenting model tool. It involves finding the right antecedents and consequences for the desired behaviors for an indvidual-not the masses--the individual. (Yes, Ms. Chua, I do believe we are all special in our own way.)
I also find it interesting that Chinese parents demand their children to be the best. So, if five Chinese students are all in the same graduating class, and they are all parented according to this author’s style of parenting, which student will be the best? Typically, you do not have five Valedictorians. Only one person can be number 1, so how do you reconcile where the parenting went wrong in that case? This is also where I take offense to the claim of “superiority”….there are cases where “western” children who had sleepovers and choice end up number one in the class vs. the Chinese student raised via Ms. Chua’s parenting model. Again, just my case that there is not a one way road to parenting. If you look at the top 20 most successful people in the world--I bet they were each parented in a different way.
Ms. Chua also stated: “What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you're good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences.” I think this is interesting concept and I think for some kids it may work. However, I think for others it does not. Andre Agassi comes to mind—he recently revealed he hated tennis and only played because his father demanded it. Obviously, he reached the top—but being at the top did not make him love the sport.
Lastly, I’d like to delve into the following observation by Chua:
“Chinese parents believe that their kids owe them everything….the understanding is that Chinese children must spend their lives repaying their parents by obeying them and making them proud. By contrast, I don't think most Westerners have the same view of children being permanently indebted to their parents.”
I actually disagree with her. Personally, I totally felt indebted to my parents. Not because they told me I should, but because I respected them for raising me and giving me the best life that they could. I don’t tell my children that they owe me (I don’t like that term because it sounds like you do something to get something…I don’t believe in that. My actions are never motivated by what someone owes me in return.) So, I will say that I hope that my children will respect me enough, to do what they can for me when I am older.
When my parents became ill, my immediate family took a back seat. My father went into the hospital and my mom was also ill at her house. I had to stay with her, make her meals, and visit my Dad in the hospital. I would leave my husband and kids at about 9pm to head over to my mom’s. I would sleep there, get up make her breakfast. Head to my house to be sure the kids got off to school and then head to the hospital. I’d visit my dad, go to my mom’s to make her lunch, head back the hospital, head home or to the girls’ school for any carpooling activities, go back to my mom’s to give her dinner, head back to the hospital for a visit and then back home to spend an hour or so with my family and then head back to my mom’s to repeat it all for the next day. If I had time, I’d make something for dinner for my family; however, sometimes dinner consisted of Progresso soup.
At times I felt guilty, but in all honesty—I knew in my head and my heart I was doing the right thing. When you are doing the right thing—the guilt is not overwhelming. My kids and my husband understood and they were very supportive. My parents never, ever indicated to me that I “owed” them, but their love and support of me throughout my life somehow indicated to me that I would do anything for them. I “owed” it to them. I actually hope that my kids were taking notes and might treat me with that same respect and love when I am older and in need of help.
This story reminds me of one of the most important tools we have as parents: modeling behavior. Our kids watch our every move—if we want them to grow up to be upstanding citizens who work hard and treat people with respect—we need to model that for them.
Bottom line, parenting is a tough job. Most of us do our best and hope it works out. Good luck to all of you out there trying your best, no matter which style you are using.
I do not believe any one brand of parenting is superior to another. Parents have the toughest job in the world. There are multiple ways to parent and as parents, we will all succeed and fail at different times.
First, I understand that there are underlying cultural difference here. I actually even believe that perhaps the Chinese parenting model described in this article works best for Chinese children. I am not a scientist by any means, but I do think years of cultural traditions can become more than simply tradition. I wonder if it could be mapped into our DNA.
So, I’m not disputing her theories—I’m just going to share my own that may counter some of hers. Also, I am not generalizing “Chinese parents”—however, I will use that phrase as she did in her article to refer to her model of parenting.
Let me share some of the highlights from the article. The author stated her children will never be allowed to do:
•attend a sleepover
•have a play date
•be in a school play
•complain about not being in a school play
•watch TV or play computer games
•choose their own extracurricular activities
•get any grade less than an A
•not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama
•play any instrument other than the piano or violin
•not play the piano or violin.
Hmm..my children are allowed to do every single one of these items. I think exercising your right to choose ultimately teaches invaluable lessons that are vital to a successful adult life. When you reach adulthood and have a career, you will be overwhelmed with choices; choices that will impact not only you, but potentially your family and your employees. The earlier you can learn or detect the consequence of choices the better.
As far as sleepovers and play dates, I think they are vital to a person's overall well being. (I’m sure Ms. Chua would cringe at that phrase.) I’ve said it before and I’ll say it over and over again…I have the best friends and friendships in the world. I do not know if the bond between my friends and me would be so strong if it weren’t for sleepovers, play dates and extracurricular activities, chosen by me. I have wonderful childhood friends, college friends, work friends and now “mom” friends. I know I can count on any of them during the best and worst of times. I hope they know they can count on me. Honestly, I feel my friendships, and/or my ability to form friendships are the most important resources I have.
The author also stated that the following about Western parents:
•Extremely anxious about their child’s self-esteem
•Only ask their children to do their best (eg. vs. order them to get straight A’s)
•Concerned about the child’s psyches, they assume fragility vs. strength.
I actually do not disagree with any of these statements about Western parents, except that the reason we are concerned about the psyches of our children is because we assume fragility. I don’t think that is the reason.
I do think that parents included in “my’ generation tend to coddle their children a bit. (Even as a society we coddle kids--everyone receives a trophy, dogeball is not alowed during recess, etc.) However, I do believe how a person feels is important. I focus on self-esteem in my house to build upon the strengths my children have. I think we are born strong but people/events can whittle away at that strength. I hope for A’s, but I do not demand them. My kids shoot for A’s on their own. I think it is more meaningful for them to achieve an A when they desire it vs. me demanding it. I was born stubborn, if you demand something from me; I will probably give you the exact opposite of what you demand. Do my children always receive A’s? No, they do not. I do believe they try their best most of the time. I think when do not try their best, it is interesting for them to discover the consequence of their lack of trying. I believe self-discovery is tool that provides a greater impact in the learning process than being “told” something.
Ms. Chua mentioned that in her model it is okay to call your children names (e.g. pathetic, fat, stupid, worthless, garbage) to demonstrate how you feel about their performance. I could never imagine calling my children any of those names, even if they hit their lowest point. I believe you can achieve the same desired results with a different demeanor. It does not mean that I would be “soft” on them—I just would not choose “those” words. There is a managing model called Antecedents Behaviors Consequences, it works well in Corporate America and it works well as a parenting model tool. It involves finding the right antecedents and consequences for the desired behaviors for an indvidual-not the masses--the individual. (Yes, Ms. Chua, I do believe we are all special in our own way.)
I also find it interesting that Chinese parents demand their children to be the best. So, if five Chinese students are all in the same graduating class, and they are all parented according to this author’s style of parenting, which student will be the best? Typically, you do not have five Valedictorians. Only one person can be number 1, so how do you reconcile where the parenting went wrong in that case? This is also where I take offense to the claim of “superiority”….there are cases where “western” children who had sleepovers and choice end up number one in the class vs. the Chinese student raised via Ms. Chua’s parenting model. Again, just my case that there is not a one way road to parenting. If you look at the top 20 most successful people in the world--I bet they were each parented in a different way.
Ms. Chua also stated: “What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you're good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences.” I think this is interesting concept and I think for some kids it may work. However, I think for others it does not. Andre Agassi comes to mind—he recently revealed he hated tennis and only played because his father demanded it. Obviously, he reached the top—but being at the top did not make him love the sport.
Lastly, I’d like to delve into the following observation by Chua:
“Chinese parents believe that their kids owe them everything….the understanding is that Chinese children must spend their lives repaying their parents by obeying them and making them proud. By contrast, I don't think most Westerners have the same view of children being permanently indebted to their parents.”
I actually disagree with her. Personally, I totally felt indebted to my parents. Not because they told me I should, but because I respected them for raising me and giving me the best life that they could. I don’t tell my children that they owe me (I don’t like that term because it sounds like you do something to get something…I don’t believe in that. My actions are never motivated by what someone owes me in return.) So, I will say that I hope that my children will respect me enough, to do what they can for me when I am older.
When my parents became ill, my immediate family took a back seat. My father went into the hospital and my mom was also ill at her house. I had to stay with her, make her meals, and visit my Dad in the hospital. I would leave my husband and kids at about 9pm to head over to my mom’s. I would sleep there, get up make her breakfast. Head to my house to be sure the kids got off to school and then head to the hospital. I’d visit my dad, go to my mom’s to make her lunch, head back the hospital, head home or to the girls’ school for any carpooling activities, go back to my mom’s to give her dinner, head back to the hospital for a visit and then back home to spend an hour or so with my family and then head back to my mom’s to repeat it all for the next day. If I had time, I’d make something for dinner for my family; however, sometimes dinner consisted of Progresso soup.
At times I felt guilty, but in all honesty—I knew in my head and my heart I was doing the right thing. When you are doing the right thing—the guilt is not overwhelming. My kids and my husband understood and they were very supportive. My parents never, ever indicated to me that I “owed” them, but their love and support of me throughout my life somehow indicated to me that I would do anything for them. I “owed” it to them. I actually hope that my kids were taking notes and might treat me with that same respect and love when I am older and in need of help.
This story reminds me of one of the most important tools we have as parents: modeling behavior. Our kids watch our every move—if we want them to grow up to be upstanding citizens who work hard and treat people with respect—we need to model that for them.
Bottom line, parenting is a tough job. Most of us do our best and hope it works out. Good luck to all of you out there trying your best, no matter which style you are using.
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