Chinese Tiger Mother

The Chinese Tiger Mother has sparked a great deal of discussion lately. If you do not know what I’m referring to google: Wall Street Journal: Amy Chua: Why Chinese parents are superior.

I do not believe any one brand of parenting is superior to another. Parents have the toughest job in the world. There are multiple ways to parent and as parents, we will all succeed and fail at different times.

First, I understand that there are underlying cultural difference here. I actually even believe that perhaps the Chinese parenting model described in this article works best for Chinese children. I am not a scientist by any means, but I do think years of cultural traditions can become more than simply tradition. I wonder if it could be mapped into our DNA.

So, I’m not disputing her theories—I’m just going to share my own that may counter some of hers. Also, I am not generalizing “Chinese parents”—however, I will use that phrase as she did in her article to refer to her model of parenting.

Let me share some of the highlights from the article. The author stated her children will never be allowed to do:

•attend a sleepover
•have a play date
•be in a school play
•complain about not being in a school play
•watch TV or play computer games
•choose their own extracurricular activities
•get any grade less than an A
•not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama
•play any instrument other than the piano or violin
•not play the piano or violin.

Hmm..my children are allowed to do every single one of these items. I think exercising your right to choose ultimately teaches invaluable lessons that are vital to a successful adult life. When you reach adulthood and have a career, you will be overwhelmed with choices; choices that will impact not only you, but potentially your family and your employees. The earlier you can learn or detect the consequence of choices the better.

As far as sleepovers and play dates, I think they are vital to a person's overall well being. (I’m sure Ms. Chua would cringe at that phrase.) I’ve said it before and I’ll say it over and over again…I have the best friends and friendships in the world. I do not know if the bond between my friends and me would be so strong if it weren’t for sleepovers, play dates and extracurricular activities, chosen by me. I have wonderful childhood friends, college friends, work friends and now “mom” friends. I know I can count on any of them during the best and worst of times. I hope they know they can count on me. Honestly, I feel my friendships, and/or my ability to form friendships are the most important resources I have.

The author also stated that the following about Western parents:

•Extremely anxious about their child’s self-esteem
•Only ask their children to do their best (eg. vs. order them to get straight A’s)
•Concerned about the child’s psyches, they assume fragility vs. strength.

I actually do not disagree with any of these statements about Western parents, except that the reason we are concerned about the psyches of our children is because we assume fragility. I don’t think that is the reason.

I do think that parents included in “my’ generation tend to coddle their children a bit. (Even as a society we coddle kids--everyone receives a trophy, dogeball is not alowed during recess, etc.) However, I do believe how a person feels is important. I focus on self-esteem in my house to build upon the strengths my children have. I think we are born strong but people/events can whittle away at that strength. I hope for A’s, but I do not demand them. My kids shoot for A’s on their own. I think it is more meaningful for them to achieve an A when they desire it vs. me demanding it. I was born stubborn, if you demand something from me; I will probably give you the exact opposite of what you demand. Do my children always receive A’s? No, they do not. I do believe they try their best most of the time. I think when do not try their best, it is interesting for them to discover the consequence of their lack of trying. I believe self-discovery is tool that provides a greater impact in the learning process than being “told” something.

Ms. Chua mentioned that in her model it is okay to call your children names (e.g. pathetic, fat, stupid, worthless, garbage) to demonstrate how you feel about their performance. I could never imagine calling my children any of those names, even if they hit their lowest point. I believe you can achieve the same desired results with a different demeanor. It does not mean that I would be “soft” on them—I just would not choose “those” words. There is a managing model called Antecedents Behaviors Consequences, it works well in Corporate America and it works well as a parenting model tool. It involves finding the right antecedents and consequences for the desired behaviors for an indvidual-not the masses--the individual. (Yes, Ms. Chua, I do believe we are all special in our own way.)

I also find it interesting that Chinese parents demand their children to be the best. So, if five Chinese students are all in the same graduating class, and they are all parented according to this author’s style of parenting, which student will be the best? Typically, you do not have five Valedictorians. Only one person can be number 1, so how do you reconcile where the parenting went wrong in that case? This is also where I take offense to the claim of “superiority”….there are cases where “western” children who had sleepovers and choice end up number one in the class vs. the Chinese student raised via Ms. Chua’s parenting model. Again, just my case that there is not a one way road to parenting. If you look at the top 20 most successful people in the world--I bet they were each parented in a different way.

Ms. Chua also stated: “What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you're good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences.” I think this is interesting concept and I think for some kids it may work. However, I think for others it does not. Andre Agassi comes to mind—he recently revealed he hated tennis and only played because his father demanded it. Obviously, he reached the top—but being at the top did not make him love the sport.

Lastly, I’d like to delve into the following observation by Chua:

“Chinese parents believe that their kids owe them everything….the understanding is that Chinese children must spend their lives repaying their parents by obeying them and making them proud. By contrast, I don't think most Westerners have the same view of children being permanently indebted to their parents.”

I actually disagree with her. Personally, I totally felt indebted to my parents. Not because they told me I should, but because I respected them for raising me and giving me the best life that they could. I don’t tell my children that they owe me (I don’t like that term because it sounds like you do something to get something…I don’t believe in that. My actions are never motivated by what someone owes me in return.) So, I will say that I hope that my children will respect me enough, to do what they can for me when I am older.

When my parents became ill, my immediate family took a back seat. My father went into the hospital and my mom was also ill at her house. I had to stay with her, make her meals, and visit my Dad in the hospital. I would leave my husband and kids at about 9pm to head over to my mom’s. I would sleep there, get up make her breakfast. Head to my house to be sure the kids got off to school and then head to the hospital. I’d visit my dad, go to my mom’s to make her lunch, head back the hospital, head home or to the girls’ school for any carpooling activities, go back to my mom’s to give her dinner, head back to the hospital for a visit and then back home to spend an hour or so with my family and then head back to my mom’s to repeat it all for the next day. If I had time, I’d make something for dinner for my family; however, sometimes dinner consisted of Progresso soup.

At times I felt guilty, but in all honesty—I knew in my head and my heart I was doing the right thing. When you are doing the right thing—the guilt is not overwhelming. My kids and my husband understood and they were very supportive. My parents never, ever indicated to me that I “owed” them, but their love and support of me throughout my life somehow indicated to me that I would do anything for them. I “owed” it to them. I actually hope that my kids were taking notes and might treat me with that same respect and love when I am older and in need of help.

This story reminds me of one of the most important tools we have as parents: modeling behavior. Our kids watch our every move—if we want them to grow up to be upstanding citizens who work hard and treat people with respect—we need to model that for them.

Bottom line, parenting is a tough job. Most of us do our best and hope it works out. Good luck to all of you out there trying your best, no matter which style you are using.