Words are funny. Some words mean different things to different people. Personally, I think the expression “I am proud of….” is overused. I am going to make some statements in this blog that may remind you of yourself. Don’t worry; I am not talking about you. I think I am talking about everyone, and I recognize that I am the odd man out on this issue.
I like words. I am a bit of geek about words. When my kids ask me what a certain word means, I tell them to look it up. I know the meaning, but I want them to read the meaning. Each word has its own nuance. I still look up words all of the time. The dictionary app is one of my favorites! I looked up the word “proud” in the dictionary. It did not help me clear this matter up in my head. The definition in the terms that I am referring to the word is : "feeling or showing pride as much pleased." Hmm..that definition might give me reason to pause. However, I will not pause….I still think the phrase is over used. Here are my thoughts:
Every day I see posts on Facebook with sentiments similar to the following:
“I am so proud of Tallelulah, she scored 3 baskets in her basketball game”
“Little Mikey scored 2 goals today in soccer, I am so proud of him.”
“Annabelle won 1st place at the talent show, I am so proud.”
Now that is where you might recognize yourself. Remember, you are normal, I am not. I am not judging anyone who has made these statements, I am simply telling you how I feel about “being proud of…”
I may be a horrible parent, but when my child scores a basket, gets a good grade or wins any type of prize, I do not feel proud of them. I feel happy for them. I am not proud of their achievements—I am happy for their achievements. I realize this is a subtle difference.
I’m not saying I could never be proud of an achievement. It will just take extra effort. I have a daughter who swims. Let’s say she was determined to take 4 seconds off of her 200 free. If she achieved this goal by attending double practices, asking for extra coaching on her starts and turns and watching swim instruction videos, I would be proud then. Wait, maybe not. Actually, I would not be proud of her time. I’d be happy for her time. I would be proud that she worked so hard to achieve a goal. Do you see the difference in my eyes?
I feel the same way about grades. There are some kids who naturally do well at school; yes they put in effort, but not crazy effort. Just like some athletes, they are gifted. So, if my daughter brings home good grades on a regular basis, I am happy for the grades. I am not proud of the grades. However, if she is struggling in a particular class or classes and takes extra initiative to increase her grade, then I would be proud of that effort.
One of my daughters’ enrolled in gymnastics as a young child. She was the only kid in the class that could not do a summersault. She was also the oldest child in the class. Her inability to tumble over deeply frustrated her. Finally, one day, during class she did it. I was so happy, my eyes swelled with tears. Upon reflection of that event, I was overjoyed for her. However, I don’t think I was proud of her for the achievement. For me, if she never learned how to summersault, it would not change who she is as a person. I am more concerned about her character than her achievements.
I am not a horrible mother. I am proud of my children. My pride simply has nothing to do with their achievements. My pride relates to their behavior and actions. If someone told me that my daughter stuck up for a friend that was being bullied, I would be proud of that. If an adult complimented my daughter on her work ethic during a project, I would be proud of that. If someone says my daughter is one of the nicest and most polite people they know—that would make me proud. I have felt this type of “pride” for my children many times.
So, this is distinction I make in mind. I do not know where it stems from or why I feel this way. Perhaps, I want them to understand when I am really proud vs. when I am simply happy or overjoyed.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Working Parents vs. Stay at Home Parents-- MYOB!
The topic on Anderson today is who has it harder--working parents or stay at home parents? Why do we debate this question all of the time? I believe the answer depends on the person. I do not think there is a clear cut answer to this question. What I dislike most about this question is: why are we always trying to prove we have it harder than the person standing next to us? We are all individuals with different capacities for working, nurturing, balancing, etc. We should simply be supporting each other.
I have my opinion on the subject that relates ONLY to me. I have been both a working parent and a stay at home parent. I worked full-time until my kids were in the middle of third grade. I know what the answer is for me. For me, staying at home is easier. Why? I found that juggling both worlds created a third element to deal with as a working mom. The juggling was worse than the working or the parenting as stand-alone “occupations”. I think everyone’s situation is different.
My husband and I both worked in Corporate America and we did not have “punch the clock” hours. There were many days we would call each other at 5pm to negotiate who could actually get home to relieve our day care provider. Whose workload or meeting trumped the other’s? We both travelled occasionally for work. Often, my travel involved travelling over the weekend. I never enjoyed missing my weekends at home. We were able to manage a rule we established—we could not be away at the same time.
I feel like I did a great job of balancing both worlds. I carefully managed my calendar so that I could be involved in my daughters’ school lives too. I was their Girl Scout leader. I blocked out my calendar and left early on the days of Girl Scout meetings. Of course, there were a few times that something came up and I would miss a Girl Scout meeting, but for the most part—I was at those meetings. I also volunteered in their classrooms. I was even a room mom one year while I was a full-time working mom. I hear some moms say how they cannot do this—and I do believe with some jobs this is true. However, for me, being involved was a priority for me. I used vacation days or ½ vacation days to volunteer for field trips or classroom parties, etc. For me, it was worth using vacation days to participate in their school activities.
I remember one day that I planned a day off to attend a presentation at the kids ‘school, an important meeting was rescheduled to this day. It was a meeting with one of my internal clients who was the Head of Pharmacy for our company, so he was a direct report to the President. These were the meetings that I usually let trump my volunteer activities. However, for some reason this time I just said I was not available. I believe the kids were going to be reading poems that had written. I felt the overwhelming guilt of “neglecting” my work responsibilities and was not sure I did the “right” thing. Well, when I saw my kids reciting their poems, a weight was lifted off my shoulder. I absolutely did the right thing. The big picture is an important one to keep your eye on. Seriously, a simple email updated me on what I missed at the meeting. I think we all overthink the “present” details without considering the greater perspective.
Even though I feel like I did a decent job of balancing both worlds, it was still a struggle. I noticed I was becoming snappier with the kids. It was hard to turn off a busy day at work, come home into the frenzy of cooking dinner, helping with homework and carpooling to all the activities.
We all have our priorities. My last priority in my life was keeping a clean house. Children, work and fun with family and friends all came ahead of cleaning. I also took vacation days from work to clean my house. I did not want to waste my weekend time with my family to clean. I finally started to realize I didn’t really want to be at work anymore. Fortunately, it came at time where there was a lot of change happening in my department—change I was not thrilled with. I secretly hoped to get laid off (actually, not so secretly) but I was assured that was not going to happen. My position was not suited for part-time, so I knew I had a big decision to make.
My husband and I discussed it and decided to bite the bullet. What I love most about our discussions it was all about quality of life vs. financial stability. I remember one of my former bosses and friend asked “did you do the math? Do you know you can live on one salary?” I earned a decent salary, and she knew that. So, taking that dollar amount away from the equation would have an impact. So, when she asked if we did the math, she was shocked when I said “no.” I am so glad we did not do the math. I think if you do the math on life decisions, you will never follow your gut or your heart. Of course the math is not going to work out. However, if you put yourself in a situation—you fight hard to make it work. We were fortunate that we were able to live on one salary.
The joke was I was quitting my job to clean my house. When I told my husband about the “math” question, he laughed and said “Yes, I did. My math is there will be less shoes in the foyer and papers on the dining room table.” (Ha, ha was he fooled!)
I will never forget my first summer as a stay at home mom. It was the best summer of my life. Hanging out with my children all summer was a true gift. We spent almost every day at the ‘town” pool. I decided that summer, if I was ever President I would make sure every American could take one summer off without any penalties.
I often wondered if I would become one of those parents in the commercials who rejoiced when school was back in session in September. I did not. Even after all of these years, I still dislike when summer comes to an end.
The one thing I struggled with the most as a stay at home mom was managing my time. I think we are all better at managing time when we have less time to manage. The first three months were very tough. I did not know what to do with myself, where to start on any project. It took some time to get into my groove. I still struggle with time management. Let’s face it. There is no excuse for my house not to be spotless. However, it is not spotless. The cleanliness of my house is still last on my list of priorities.
Do not get me wrong—I do not live in a pig sty—but I do not live in a pristine, dust free house either. Paper work still piles up on the dining room table, shoes are still in the foyer and my kitchen counter often has too many items on it. We will not even talk about my closet! Think about it, right now, I could be hanging up laundry, but I am writing this instead. For some reason, I like to tackle cleaning in one massive swoop vs. a little bit here and there.
After not working at all for about 20 months, some part time opportunities came up on a project basis from my former boss. I found this to be the best of both worlds. I could go to the pool all day and begin my work at 8pm if I wanted to. There were times I worked 30 hours per week and times I worked 3 hours per week. I found I liked the weeks that were around 15 hours the best. I still do work part-time, but it has been slower this year. There are some weeks I do not submit any hours. I am okay with that right now. I know that when my children graduate high school in 18 months, I will be pounding the pavement in hopes of returning to the workforce full-time. I am actually looking forward to it!
So, I just told you my story. My point is, we all have our own story. This worked for me and my family. It may not have worked for another mom. Let’s stop trying to prove who has it harder and just worry about our own lives or, better yet, support our friends instead of judging them!
I have my opinion on the subject that relates ONLY to me. I have been both a working parent and a stay at home parent. I worked full-time until my kids were in the middle of third grade. I know what the answer is for me. For me, staying at home is easier. Why? I found that juggling both worlds created a third element to deal with as a working mom. The juggling was worse than the working or the parenting as stand-alone “occupations”. I think everyone’s situation is different.
My husband and I both worked in Corporate America and we did not have “punch the clock” hours. There were many days we would call each other at 5pm to negotiate who could actually get home to relieve our day care provider. Whose workload or meeting trumped the other’s? We both travelled occasionally for work. Often, my travel involved travelling over the weekend. I never enjoyed missing my weekends at home. We were able to manage a rule we established—we could not be away at the same time.
I feel like I did a great job of balancing both worlds. I carefully managed my calendar so that I could be involved in my daughters’ school lives too. I was their Girl Scout leader. I blocked out my calendar and left early on the days of Girl Scout meetings. Of course, there were a few times that something came up and I would miss a Girl Scout meeting, but for the most part—I was at those meetings. I also volunteered in their classrooms. I was even a room mom one year while I was a full-time working mom. I hear some moms say how they cannot do this—and I do believe with some jobs this is true. However, for me, being involved was a priority for me. I used vacation days or ½ vacation days to volunteer for field trips or classroom parties, etc. For me, it was worth using vacation days to participate in their school activities.
I remember one day that I planned a day off to attend a presentation at the kids ‘school, an important meeting was rescheduled to this day. It was a meeting with one of my internal clients who was the Head of Pharmacy for our company, so he was a direct report to the President. These were the meetings that I usually let trump my volunteer activities. However, for some reason this time I just said I was not available. I believe the kids were going to be reading poems that had written. I felt the overwhelming guilt of “neglecting” my work responsibilities and was not sure I did the “right” thing. Well, when I saw my kids reciting their poems, a weight was lifted off my shoulder. I absolutely did the right thing. The big picture is an important one to keep your eye on. Seriously, a simple email updated me on what I missed at the meeting. I think we all overthink the “present” details without considering the greater perspective.
Even though I feel like I did a decent job of balancing both worlds, it was still a struggle. I noticed I was becoming snappier with the kids. It was hard to turn off a busy day at work, come home into the frenzy of cooking dinner, helping with homework and carpooling to all the activities.
We all have our priorities. My last priority in my life was keeping a clean house. Children, work and fun with family and friends all came ahead of cleaning. I also took vacation days from work to clean my house. I did not want to waste my weekend time with my family to clean. I finally started to realize I didn’t really want to be at work anymore. Fortunately, it came at time where there was a lot of change happening in my department—change I was not thrilled with. I secretly hoped to get laid off (actually, not so secretly) but I was assured that was not going to happen. My position was not suited for part-time, so I knew I had a big decision to make.
My husband and I discussed it and decided to bite the bullet. What I love most about our discussions it was all about quality of life vs. financial stability. I remember one of my former bosses and friend asked “did you do the math? Do you know you can live on one salary?” I earned a decent salary, and she knew that. So, taking that dollar amount away from the equation would have an impact. So, when she asked if we did the math, she was shocked when I said “no.” I am so glad we did not do the math. I think if you do the math on life decisions, you will never follow your gut or your heart. Of course the math is not going to work out. However, if you put yourself in a situation—you fight hard to make it work. We were fortunate that we were able to live on one salary.
The joke was I was quitting my job to clean my house. When I told my husband about the “math” question, he laughed and said “Yes, I did. My math is there will be less shoes in the foyer and papers on the dining room table.” (Ha, ha was he fooled!)
I will never forget my first summer as a stay at home mom. It was the best summer of my life. Hanging out with my children all summer was a true gift. We spent almost every day at the ‘town” pool. I decided that summer, if I was ever President I would make sure every American could take one summer off without any penalties.
I often wondered if I would become one of those parents in the commercials who rejoiced when school was back in session in September. I did not. Even after all of these years, I still dislike when summer comes to an end.
The one thing I struggled with the most as a stay at home mom was managing my time. I think we are all better at managing time when we have less time to manage. The first three months were very tough. I did not know what to do with myself, where to start on any project. It took some time to get into my groove. I still struggle with time management. Let’s face it. There is no excuse for my house not to be spotless. However, it is not spotless. The cleanliness of my house is still last on my list of priorities.
Do not get me wrong—I do not live in a pig sty—but I do not live in a pristine, dust free house either. Paper work still piles up on the dining room table, shoes are still in the foyer and my kitchen counter often has too many items on it. We will not even talk about my closet! Think about it, right now, I could be hanging up laundry, but I am writing this instead. For some reason, I like to tackle cleaning in one massive swoop vs. a little bit here and there.
After not working at all for about 20 months, some part time opportunities came up on a project basis from my former boss. I found this to be the best of both worlds. I could go to the pool all day and begin my work at 8pm if I wanted to. There were times I worked 30 hours per week and times I worked 3 hours per week. I found I liked the weeks that were around 15 hours the best. I still do work part-time, but it has been slower this year. There are some weeks I do not submit any hours. I am okay with that right now. I know that when my children graduate high school in 18 months, I will be pounding the pavement in hopes of returning to the workforce full-time. I am actually looking forward to it!
So, I just told you my story. My point is, we all have our own story. This worked for me and my family. It may not have worked for another mom. Let’s stop trying to prove who has it harder and just worry about our own lives or, better yet, support our friends instead of judging them!
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