I struggled with the title of this blog. I’ve struggled with writing the blog. For months, I’ve wanted to tackle this topic but lacked the confidence to do it justice. I’m still not sure if I’m up to the task—but I will try. (Editors Note: I didn't do it justice--but I'm posting it anyway)
I wish my children had the opportunity to grow up in the 70’s and 80’s, like I did. I often wonder if my parents would‘ve said “I wish swirlgirl had the opportunity to grow up in the 50’s and 60’s. I bet they wouldn’t make that statement. Why do I wish that for my children? Mainly because I think the 21st century parent is insane. I grew up in simpler time.
Parents put so much pressure on kids today to excel in EVERYTHING! I think we should expect our kids to do their best—but we shouldn’t always expect them to do more and more and more and more. I remember when my daughter was in 3rd grade this conversation took place:
Other Mom: What activities is your daughter in?
Me: Well, she is a Girl Scout and she cheerleads in the fall.
Other Mom: Well, what else? Dance? A sport?
Me: Uh No. She tried dancing for a couple of years and didn’t want to continue and she is not into sports.
Other Mom: (Just a confused look on her face)
Me: My other daughter swims, plays basketball and softball.
Other Mom: (Lightbulb and smile) Oh, great.
You know that after that conversation she thought daughter one must have “issues”. Contrary, I think daughter one knows her boundaries and knows what she likes. A very stable outlook!
Seriously, I’ve heard other moms state that people look at them with three heads when they mention their child is only in one activity. Can you imagine a child that is NOT in soccer, learning Chinese, taking flute lessons, and creating her own website at age 7? Appalling!
I’m all for exposing children to many opportunities, but when is enough, enough? Why do parents have to push their kids so much farther than they were pushed? My kids are much older now and we face new challenges. Now you are looked at like a crazy person when you say you wish your kid had room to take a study hall in their schedule. Apparently, study halls are for future derelicts who will be begging for coins on the corner. Call me crazy, but I like a study hall. Our evenings are busy enough, if my kids can get some work done during school, I say TERRIFIC!!! Do I want them to have more than one study hall? Absolutely not. However, one is fine if the schedule allows it! The reaction to “I don’t mind them having one study hall” is almost the same reaction as if I said “My kids start their day with a hit of crack.” (I’m so out of it—can you even take a hit of crack?)
So, are my husband and I grooming underachievers? I don’t think so. I do think we are purposely raising ACHIEVERS and purposely and strategically not raising OVERACHIEVERS. Again, if you’ve read my blogs—I’m not judging you if you are purposely raising overachievers—just don’t judge my achievers! This is a lifestyle choice for my family. Here is what I want for my kids:
1. Happiness (priority number one)
2. Good Health
3. Confidence and a strong belief in who they are as a person.
4. Success (on THEIR terms—not mine! They can decide what success looks like for them and aim to achieve that level of success)
5. Balance. I want them to have a mix of fun, duty, and exposure to new things.
6. The ability to laugh at themselves and not take themselves too seriously.
I’ve known parents that struggle over writing the perfect application for entry into a private kindergarten that will cost $15,000!! I know parents that pay $25,000 a year for an elementary school. I think that is great if you can afford it and you think that is the best thing for your child. However, I do take issue with the thought that a $15,000 kindergarten is the only way your child will get accepted to Yale. Slow down parents; take one year at a time! Why does every parent want their kid to go to the BEST college? I want my kids to go to the school that fits them best. I don’t care which school they choose, as long as it makes sense for them. I’ll admit, Yale will get your foot in the door—but it won’t keep you there. I worked in a department that the PHDs from elite schools were always let go because they were too academic for the corporate world. I’m not saying that is always the case. My point is there is not an “always” the case. Successful people graduate from a variety of colleges and have variety of academic backgrounds. Some successful people do not even have college degrees!
The person that I consider to be one of the most successful people I know, attended a two year community college and then attended a weekend college to achieve her bachelor’s degree. She did this while she was married, working and raising her children. In high school she was an average student I venture to guess her GPA was (at most) a 3.0. She now owns four OT/PT Clinics, has been happily married for 23 years and has two well-adjusted children. I know so many parents right now that would be (unfairly) disappointed if she was their high school child and was bringing home those average grades in average classes. However,those same parents would be extremely proud of her current life. In the real world your current actions are worth more than your background. One of the keys to my friend’s success is that she knew what she wanted to do with her life. She knew in high school she wanted to be an occupational therapist. I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. I found myself taking the practice LSAT the other day. I actually did pretty well. However, do I want to go through all the effort of law school, when I don’t even want to be a lawyer? I’ll figure out my next chapter in about three years when kids are off to college.
As a society, we are pushing and challenging our kids at younger and younger ages. When my daughter began cheerleading, the youngest group of girls was not allowed to do any “stunts” even the elementary ones that aren’t really stunts, but they look cute. Now, they can do a half-lift? So, does that mean in 15 years the 6 year olds will be doing full lifts and throws? When do we stop? I also think in 15 years our kids might be tackling calculus by 7th grade.
We need to let our kids fail sometimes. It is okay if your child comes home with a C or an F. It is a learning experience. I know parents that have wanted to switch their children from one class to another because they were receiving B’s instead of A’s. STOP THE MADNESS. Every student can’t get a 4.0. I question schools that have so many “fantastic” students!
We need to relax as parents. Our kids will do just fine if we give them the freedom to be who they are and do what they want. Our only rule in our house is that college is a must. After college, you can choose any profession you want (that is legal of course!). If you want to be a waiter, be a waiter. If you want to be a hairdresser, be a hairdresser. If you want to be a lawyer, be a lawyer. If you want to be a teacher, be a teacher. (You get the picture, right?)
Don’t plan out your child’s life when they’re born. Let them evolve.
(Follow Up comment: I'm all for overachieving and overachievers--when it comes naturally to the person. I believe it is a natural instinct vs. something that should be forced.)
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3 comments:
Very wise advice SwirlGirl. Too many activities takes away from family time and what better way to instill values and responsiblity to your children than by spending time with them. Parents today think that only professionals are capable of teaching kids anything. I think that is a load of BS. Parents have a lot more influence on their kids than they could ever imagine. Let the kids be kids. Adulthood isn't all it's cracked up to be anyway.
7) an unhealthy reverence for the Boston Redsox.
Some random thoughts... I think cheerleading as a sport typifies what all you are talking about here... cheerleading, when there is no one to lead and nothing to cheer for, solely as a competitive venture seems absurd. I'm not sure at what point we needed to start ranking and grading something that was designed to be a community social building activity. But that's just me.
As for the Yale thing... I think it's more about opportunity. You want to make sure your kid has the opportunity to go to Yale, not demand that they go. People want to expose their kids to as much as possible and provide as much opportunity for them as possible.
At the same time, too much of this seems organized, which seems to be an outgrowth of the overachieving goal. I grew up about the same time as you. I played baseball and soccer as well as swam in organized leagues, but most of my time was spent shooting hoops with friends, riding my bike and such on our own. We made our own rules (for our activities) and usually designed things to be fun and competitive all around. If you watch a group of kids organizing their own events, they will do this. They seem to understand game theory inherently. Maximizing enjoyment for all. If one team is dominant, players will switch sides, or rules will be put in place to level the playing field so all can achieve. Structured events seem to do the opposite. On one end they can stifle creativity, and on the other end they are designed to create winners and losers. Sometimes parents should get out of the way.
but hey, I have no children, so what do I know. :)
I'm with you on this--yet again! We have similar issues here in Portugal about keeping kids busy ALL THE TIME. I think give them the opportunity if you can and if you can afford it. Then let them choose. I would say don't let them quit something at the drop of a hat unless you see real stress.
Personally, I don't think you can "breed" overacheivers. Some kids just are. My brother, for instance, is so driven that I'm out of breath just listening to him tell about his life and how he loves it that way. I couldn't do it, just as he surely could not slow down to my pace.
Let kids live THEIR lives, not OUR lives. Help them, nurture them, provide for them, encourage them, praise them, but above all accept them, i.e. LOVE them! To feel loved is more enriching than any degree, any pay scale, anything.....
You must be a terrific mom, Jodi!
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