Recently Mary Tyler Moore was honored with a Lifetime Achievement Award from the Screen Actor's Guild. In my opinion, it was long overdue! Mary Tyler Moore is one of my "idols'. I actually really dislike that term and only use it sparingly. However, the characters she has played have had an influence on my life. Of course, I was too young when it originally aired, but I loved her as Laura Petry in the Dick Van Dyke show. I loved her clothes and the fact that she and Rob were equals in their household, which was rare for a show shot in the 60's. Of course, most of all I loved and adored Mary Richards.
Although I was only 5 when the Mary Tyler Moore show began—it is my all-time favorite show. My choice of favorite show has never wavered. However, I never realized the impact the show had on me until my wedding day. I’m sure I watched the show at 5 years old, but my memories of the show are from ages 8-12. I so wanted to grow up to be Mary Richards. I wanted the great job at a TV station, the fabulous clothers, the cool apartment with the big windows, the friend who lived upstairs, the dates she went on and I wanted my own “J” on my wall.
Mary Richards was an amazing role model for a young girl growing up in the 70’s. She was single, earning her own way and advancing in a profession she never intended to pursue. Of course, I always fantasized that I would throw a better party than Mary!
I remember sitting in the living room with my mom and dad watching the series finale. I cried during the group hug. It was a perfect ending. Later in life, I was grateful for Nick at Nite. I taped every episode during a MTM marathon. When I was stressed, anxious or feeling down—I plopped in a MTM tape into the VCR and all my cares drifted away. Watching an episode of that show is truly therapeutic for me. The comedy is timeless.
Flash forward to age 29 and it is my wedding day. The day was perfect, fun and filled with loved ones. My Maid of Honor hosted an after party post our reception. I suddenly started to feel panicked and stressed. I discreetly ducked into a bedroom to chill out. It finally hit me. I was sad because I realized I was NOT going to live Mary Richard’s life. Mary didn’t marry at 29. In fact, at 29 she was just moving to Minneapolis and twirling her hat into the air! She lived on her own in a great apartment. I was now married and knew learning about “mortgages” was in my near future. (Side note: I remember listening to all my married friends talk about mortgages when I was single and I swear it was like listening to the adults in a Charlie Brown episode! Ugh—I hated the word s points and escrow.)
Even though my wedding day was a happy one, I really felt like I was leaving a part of me behind, My new husband walked in to the room and asked what was wrong, I told him that I realized I am not going to be Mary Tyler Moore, He laughed. Some men may have taken offense, but he “got” it. I wasn’t regretting the marriage; I was saying goodbye to one part of a childhood dream.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Friday, January 20, 2012
"Being Proud Of......"
Words are funny. Some words mean different things to different people. Personally, I think the expression “I am proud of….” is overused. I am going to make some statements in this blog that may remind you of yourself. Don’t worry; I am not talking about you. I think I am talking about everyone, and I recognize that I am the odd man out on this issue.
I like words. I am a bit of geek about words. When my kids ask me what a certain word means, I tell them to look it up. I know the meaning, but I want them to read the meaning. Each word has its own nuance. I still look up words all of the time. The dictionary app is one of my favorites! I looked up the word “proud” in the dictionary. It did not help me clear this matter up in my head. The definition in the terms that I am referring to the word is : "feeling or showing pride as much pleased." Hmm..that definition might give me reason to pause. However, I will not pause….I still think the phrase is over used. Here are my thoughts:
Every day I see posts on Facebook with sentiments similar to the following:
“I am so proud of Tallelulah, she scored 3 baskets in her basketball game”
“Little Mikey scored 2 goals today in soccer, I am so proud of him.”
“Annabelle won 1st place at the talent show, I am so proud.”
Now that is where you might recognize yourself. Remember, you are normal, I am not. I am not judging anyone who has made these statements, I am simply telling you how I feel about “being proud of…”
I may be a horrible parent, but when my child scores a basket, gets a good grade or wins any type of prize, I do not feel proud of them. I feel happy for them. I am not proud of their achievements—I am happy for their achievements. I realize this is a subtle difference.
I’m not saying I could never be proud of an achievement. It will just take extra effort. I have a daughter who swims. Let’s say she was determined to take 4 seconds off of her 200 free. If she achieved this goal by attending double practices, asking for extra coaching on her starts and turns and watching swim instruction videos, I would be proud then. Wait, maybe not. Actually, I would not be proud of her time. I’d be happy for her time. I would be proud that she worked so hard to achieve a goal. Do you see the difference in my eyes?
I feel the same way about grades. There are some kids who naturally do well at school; yes they put in effort, but not crazy effort. Just like some athletes, they are gifted. So, if my daughter brings home good grades on a regular basis, I am happy for the grades. I am not proud of the grades. However, if she is struggling in a particular class or classes and takes extra initiative to increase her grade, then I would be proud of that effort.
One of my daughters’ enrolled in gymnastics as a young child. She was the only kid in the class that could not do a summersault. She was also the oldest child in the class. Her inability to tumble over deeply frustrated her. Finally, one day, during class she did it. I was so happy, my eyes swelled with tears. Upon reflection of that event, I was overjoyed for her. However, I don’t think I was proud of her for the achievement. For me, if she never learned how to summersault, it would not change who she is as a person. I am more concerned about her character than her achievements.
I am not a horrible mother. I am proud of my children. My pride simply has nothing to do with their achievements. My pride relates to their behavior and actions. If someone told me that my daughter stuck up for a friend that was being bullied, I would be proud of that. If an adult complimented my daughter on her work ethic during a project, I would be proud of that. If someone says my daughter is one of the nicest and most polite people they know—that would make me proud. I have felt this type of “pride” for my children many times.
So, this is distinction I make in mind. I do not know where it stems from or why I feel this way. Perhaps, I want them to understand when I am really proud vs. when I am simply happy or overjoyed.
I like words. I am a bit of geek about words. When my kids ask me what a certain word means, I tell them to look it up. I know the meaning, but I want them to read the meaning. Each word has its own nuance. I still look up words all of the time. The dictionary app is one of my favorites! I looked up the word “proud” in the dictionary. It did not help me clear this matter up in my head. The definition in the terms that I am referring to the word is : "feeling or showing pride as much pleased." Hmm..that definition might give me reason to pause. However, I will not pause….I still think the phrase is over used. Here are my thoughts:
Every day I see posts on Facebook with sentiments similar to the following:
“I am so proud of Tallelulah, she scored 3 baskets in her basketball game”
“Little Mikey scored 2 goals today in soccer, I am so proud of him.”
“Annabelle won 1st place at the talent show, I am so proud.”
Now that is where you might recognize yourself. Remember, you are normal, I am not. I am not judging anyone who has made these statements, I am simply telling you how I feel about “being proud of…”
I may be a horrible parent, but when my child scores a basket, gets a good grade or wins any type of prize, I do not feel proud of them. I feel happy for them. I am not proud of their achievements—I am happy for their achievements. I realize this is a subtle difference.
I’m not saying I could never be proud of an achievement. It will just take extra effort. I have a daughter who swims. Let’s say she was determined to take 4 seconds off of her 200 free. If she achieved this goal by attending double practices, asking for extra coaching on her starts and turns and watching swim instruction videos, I would be proud then. Wait, maybe not. Actually, I would not be proud of her time. I’d be happy for her time. I would be proud that she worked so hard to achieve a goal. Do you see the difference in my eyes?
I feel the same way about grades. There are some kids who naturally do well at school; yes they put in effort, but not crazy effort. Just like some athletes, they are gifted. So, if my daughter brings home good grades on a regular basis, I am happy for the grades. I am not proud of the grades. However, if she is struggling in a particular class or classes and takes extra initiative to increase her grade, then I would be proud of that effort.
One of my daughters’ enrolled in gymnastics as a young child. She was the only kid in the class that could not do a summersault. She was also the oldest child in the class. Her inability to tumble over deeply frustrated her. Finally, one day, during class she did it. I was so happy, my eyes swelled with tears. Upon reflection of that event, I was overjoyed for her. However, I don’t think I was proud of her for the achievement. For me, if she never learned how to summersault, it would not change who she is as a person. I am more concerned about her character than her achievements.
I am not a horrible mother. I am proud of my children. My pride simply has nothing to do with their achievements. My pride relates to their behavior and actions. If someone told me that my daughter stuck up for a friend that was being bullied, I would be proud of that. If an adult complimented my daughter on her work ethic during a project, I would be proud of that. If someone says my daughter is one of the nicest and most polite people they know—that would make me proud. I have felt this type of “pride” for my children many times.
So, this is distinction I make in mind. I do not know where it stems from or why I feel this way. Perhaps, I want them to understand when I am really proud vs. when I am simply happy or overjoyed.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Working Parents vs. Stay at Home Parents-- MYOB!
The topic on Anderson today is who has it harder--working parents or stay at home parents? Why do we debate this question all of the time? I believe the answer depends on the person. I do not think there is a clear cut answer to this question. What I dislike most about this question is: why are we always trying to prove we have it harder than the person standing next to us? We are all individuals with different capacities for working, nurturing, balancing, etc. We should simply be supporting each other.
I have my opinion on the subject that relates ONLY to me. I have been both a working parent and a stay at home parent. I worked full-time until my kids were in the middle of third grade. I know what the answer is for me. For me, staying at home is easier. Why? I found that juggling both worlds created a third element to deal with as a working mom. The juggling was worse than the working or the parenting as stand-alone “occupations”. I think everyone’s situation is different.
My husband and I both worked in Corporate America and we did not have “punch the clock” hours. There were many days we would call each other at 5pm to negotiate who could actually get home to relieve our day care provider. Whose workload or meeting trumped the other’s? We both travelled occasionally for work. Often, my travel involved travelling over the weekend. I never enjoyed missing my weekends at home. We were able to manage a rule we established—we could not be away at the same time.
I feel like I did a great job of balancing both worlds. I carefully managed my calendar so that I could be involved in my daughters’ school lives too. I was their Girl Scout leader. I blocked out my calendar and left early on the days of Girl Scout meetings. Of course, there were a few times that something came up and I would miss a Girl Scout meeting, but for the most part—I was at those meetings. I also volunteered in their classrooms. I was even a room mom one year while I was a full-time working mom. I hear some moms say how they cannot do this—and I do believe with some jobs this is true. However, for me, being involved was a priority for me. I used vacation days or ½ vacation days to volunteer for field trips or classroom parties, etc. For me, it was worth using vacation days to participate in their school activities.
I remember one day that I planned a day off to attend a presentation at the kids ‘school, an important meeting was rescheduled to this day. It was a meeting with one of my internal clients who was the Head of Pharmacy for our company, so he was a direct report to the President. These were the meetings that I usually let trump my volunteer activities. However, for some reason this time I just said I was not available. I believe the kids were going to be reading poems that had written. I felt the overwhelming guilt of “neglecting” my work responsibilities and was not sure I did the “right” thing. Well, when I saw my kids reciting their poems, a weight was lifted off my shoulder. I absolutely did the right thing. The big picture is an important one to keep your eye on. Seriously, a simple email updated me on what I missed at the meeting. I think we all overthink the “present” details without considering the greater perspective.
Even though I feel like I did a decent job of balancing both worlds, it was still a struggle. I noticed I was becoming snappier with the kids. It was hard to turn off a busy day at work, come home into the frenzy of cooking dinner, helping with homework and carpooling to all the activities.
We all have our priorities. My last priority in my life was keeping a clean house. Children, work and fun with family and friends all came ahead of cleaning. I also took vacation days from work to clean my house. I did not want to waste my weekend time with my family to clean. I finally started to realize I didn’t really want to be at work anymore. Fortunately, it came at time where there was a lot of change happening in my department—change I was not thrilled with. I secretly hoped to get laid off (actually, not so secretly) but I was assured that was not going to happen. My position was not suited for part-time, so I knew I had a big decision to make.
My husband and I discussed it and decided to bite the bullet. What I love most about our discussions it was all about quality of life vs. financial stability. I remember one of my former bosses and friend asked “did you do the math? Do you know you can live on one salary?” I earned a decent salary, and she knew that. So, taking that dollar amount away from the equation would have an impact. So, when she asked if we did the math, she was shocked when I said “no.” I am so glad we did not do the math. I think if you do the math on life decisions, you will never follow your gut or your heart. Of course the math is not going to work out. However, if you put yourself in a situation—you fight hard to make it work. We were fortunate that we were able to live on one salary.
The joke was I was quitting my job to clean my house. When I told my husband about the “math” question, he laughed and said “Yes, I did. My math is there will be less shoes in the foyer and papers on the dining room table.” (Ha, ha was he fooled!)
I will never forget my first summer as a stay at home mom. It was the best summer of my life. Hanging out with my children all summer was a true gift. We spent almost every day at the ‘town” pool. I decided that summer, if I was ever President I would make sure every American could take one summer off without any penalties.
I often wondered if I would become one of those parents in the commercials who rejoiced when school was back in session in September. I did not. Even after all of these years, I still dislike when summer comes to an end.
The one thing I struggled with the most as a stay at home mom was managing my time. I think we are all better at managing time when we have less time to manage. The first three months were very tough. I did not know what to do with myself, where to start on any project. It took some time to get into my groove. I still struggle with time management. Let’s face it. There is no excuse for my house not to be spotless. However, it is not spotless. The cleanliness of my house is still last on my list of priorities.
Do not get me wrong—I do not live in a pig sty—but I do not live in a pristine, dust free house either. Paper work still piles up on the dining room table, shoes are still in the foyer and my kitchen counter often has too many items on it. We will not even talk about my closet! Think about it, right now, I could be hanging up laundry, but I am writing this instead. For some reason, I like to tackle cleaning in one massive swoop vs. a little bit here and there.
After not working at all for about 20 months, some part time opportunities came up on a project basis from my former boss. I found this to be the best of both worlds. I could go to the pool all day and begin my work at 8pm if I wanted to. There were times I worked 30 hours per week and times I worked 3 hours per week. I found I liked the weeks that were around 15 hours the best. I still do work part-time, but it has been slower this year. There are some weeks I do not submit any hours. I am okay with that right now. I know that when my children graduate high school in 18 months, I will be pounding the pavement in hopes of returning to the workforce full-time. I am actually looking forward to it!
So, I just told you my story. My point is, we all have our own story. This worked for me and my family. It may not have worked for another mom. Let’s stop trying to prove who has it harder and just worry about our own lives or, better yet, support our friends instead of judging them!
I have my opinion on the subject that relates ONLY to me. I have been both a working parent and a stay at home parent. I worked full-time until my kids were in the middle of third grade. I know what the answer is for me. For me, staying at home is easier. Why? I found that juggling both worlds created a third element to deal with as a working mom. The juggling was worse than the working or the parenting as stand-alone “occupations”. I think everyone’s situation is different.
My husband and I both worked in Corporate America and we did not have “punch the clock” hours. There were many days we would call each other at 5pm to negotiate who could actually get home to relieve our day care provider. Whose workload or meeting trumped the other’s? We both travelled occasionally for work. Often, my travel involved travelling over the weekend. I never enjoyed missing my weekends at home. We were able to manage a rule we established—we could not be away at the same time.
I feel like I did a great job of balancing both worlds. I carefully managed my calendar so that I could be involved in my daughters’ school lives too. I was their Girl Scout leader. I blocked out my calendar and left early on the days of Girl Scout meetings. Of course, there were a few times that something came up and I would miss a Girl Scout meeting, but for the most part—I was at those meetings. I also volunteered in their classrooms. I was even a room mom one year while I was a full-time working mom. I hear some moms say how they cannot do this—and I do believe with some jobs this is true. However, for me, being involved was a priority for me. I used vacation days or ½ vacation days to volunteer for field trips or classroom parties, etc. For me, it was worth using vacation days to participate in their school activities.
I remember one day that I planned a day off to attend a presentation at the kids ‘school, an important meeting was rescheduled to this day. It was a meeting with one of my internal clients who was the Head of Pharmacy for our company, so he was a direct report to the President. These were the meetings that I usually let trump my volunteer activities. However, for some reason this time I just said I was not available. I believe the kids were going to be reading poems that had written. I felt the overwhelming guilt of “neglecting” my work responsibilities and was not sure I did the “right” thing. Well, when I saw my kids reciting their poems, a weight was lifted off my shoulder. I absolutely did the right thing. The big picture is an important one to keep your eye on. Seriously, a simple email updated me on what I missed at the meeting. I think we all overthink the “present” details without considering the greater perspective.
Even though I feel like I did a decent job of balancing both worlds, it was still a struggle. I noticed I was becoming snappier with the kids. It was hard to turn off a busy day at work, come home into the frenzy of cooking dinner, helping with homework and carpooling to all the activities.
We all have our priorities. My last priority in my life was keeping a clean house. Children, work and fun with family and friends all came ahead of cleaning. I also took vacation days from work to clean my house. I did not want to waste my weekend time with my family to clean. I finally started to realize I didn’t really want to be at work anymore. Fortunately, it came at time where there was a lot of change happening in my department—change I was not thrilled with. I secretly hoped to get laid off (actually, not so secretly) but I was assured that was not going to happen. My position was not suited for part-time, so I knew I had a big decision to make.
My husband and I discussed it and decided to bite the bullet. What I love most about our discussions it was all about quality of life vs. financial stability. I remember one of my former bosses and friend asked “did you do the math? Do you know you can live on one salary?” I earned a decent salary, and she knew that. So, taking that dollar amount away from the equation would have an impact. So, when she asked if we did the math, she was shocked when I said “no.” I am so glad we did not do the math. I think if you do the math on life decisions, you will never follow your gut or your heart. Of course the math is not going to work out. However, if you put yourself in a situation—you fight hard to make it work. We were fortunate that we were able to live on one salary.
The joke was I was quitting my job to clean my house. When I told my husband about the “math” question, he laughed and said “Yes, I did. My math is there will be less shoes in the foyer and papers on the dining room table.” (Ha, ha was he fooled!)
I will never forget my first summer as a stay at home mom. It was the best summer of my life. Hanging out with my children all summer was a true gift. We spent almost every day at the ‘town” pool. I decided that summer, if I was ever President I would make sure every American could take one summer off without any penalties.
I often wondered if I would become one of those parents in the commercials who rejoiced when school was back in session in September. I did not. Even after all of these years, I still dislike when summer comes to an end.
The one thing I struggled with the most as a stay at home mom was managing my time. I think we are all better at managing time when we have less time to manage. The first three months were very tough. I did not know what to do with myself, where to start on any project. It took some time to get into my groove. I still struggle with time management. Let’s face it. There is no excuse for my house not to be spotless. However, it is not spotless. The cleanliness of my house is still last on my list of priorities.
Do not get me wrong—I do not live in a pig sty—but I do not live in a pristine, dust free house either. Paper work still piles up on the dining room table, shoes are still in the foyer and my kitchen counter often has too many items on it. We will not even talk about my closet! Think about it, right now, I could be hanging up laundry, but I am writing this instead. For some reason, I like to tackle cleaning in one massive swoop vs. a little bit here and there.
After not working at all for about 20 months, some part time opportunities came up on a project basis from my former boss. I found this to be the best of both worlds. I could go to the pool all day and begin my work at 8pm if I wanted to. There were times I worked 30 hours per week and times I worked 3 hours per week. I found I liked the weeks that were around 15 hours the best. I still do work part-time, but it has been slower this year. There are some weeks I do not submit any hours. I am okay with that right now. I know that when my children graduate high school in 18 months, I will be pounding the pavement in hopes of returning to the workforce full-time. I am actually looking forward to it!
So, I just told you my story. My point is, we all have our own story. This worked for me and my family. It may not have worked for another mom. Let’s stop trying to prove who has it harder and just worry about our own lives or, better yet, support our friends instead of judging them!
Thursday, November 10, 2011
My Grattitude for Alfred
As many of you know Storm Alfred wreaked some havoc in my state and my town. Oddly, during the eight days without power, I never got frustrated or stressed or angry. I really was thankful for many things. This is funny, because after Hurricane Irene, we lost power for only 24 hours and I was so stressed that our sump pumps would over flow into the basement, I was a borderline lunatic. Back then, I was thankful for our neighbor Robert who hooked up his generator to our pumps to pump us out a few times a day!
I reflected on all I was grateful for during the aftermath of storm Alfred and they are:
•My forward thinking (okay, you can think of it as doomsday thinking or my husband attributed it to my love of spending money.) in buying a generator immediately after storm Irene. My husband is right, I do have problem and love to shop—but really, does he think my problem is so bad that I would gleefully choose to spend that much money on a piece of equipment? Regardless of the reason, he was pretty happy on day two of the power outage when we could hook up the sump pumps! We only used it for the sump pumps and our electric chainsaw so my husband could take care of the tree debris in the yard. Most people have gas chainsaws—not us—we had to hook up our electric chainsaw to a gas powered generator!!!
•It could’ve been worse. Imagine if this happened in January. (Mind you, I realize the devastation would not be as bad in January because the leaves would’ve been off the trees…..) However, I was grateful that it was not 20 degrees outside. We did not need to use the generator for heat. Yes, the house was cold. We spent many days outside of the house and at night we all slept in the basement with blankets. I was actually too warm some nights!
•Perhaps I did not go crazy because I had a warm, friendly house to shower in. My niece and her family never lost power—and they only live about 3 miles away from us. I was extremely grateful for their hospitality. It was nice to shower, warm up, charge my phone and have some fun meals with her family and other displaced houseguests!
•Facebook, yes I said it. I am grateful for Facebook AND my smart phone. The information I received from Facebook friends, the local news channels and especially, my town’s police department was vital. If you are on Facebook, check to see if your local police department has a Facebook page. I checked for their status updates all the time. A big thank you goes out to the local police. Sometimes I wonder if a smart phone is worth the monthly charge. I will not question that anymore.
•I mentioned how at night I would often get too warm. I have the best blanket to thank for that. I bought it at Target last year—it is their own “Home” brand. One of my best purchases ever. I liked the first one I bought last year so much; I bought three more so we would all have one. They are so warm and soft. I did check to see if they have them on their shelves this year—and they do not. I will keep checking!
• The Alphabet game and Six Degrees of……. I was thankful for these games that do not require light or any type of power—just family and friends! If you do not know what the Alphabet game is—it is simple. You pick a topic, for instance movies. You then take turns going through the alphabet naming movies that begin with the letter you received. (e.g. All The President’s Men; Benji; Casablanca, etc.) The problem is you tend to run out of categories. We actually ended up using "swear words" as a category with our teenage daughters. Hey, it was a historic storm—we needed to add some levity to the situation!! Oh and if you do not know the Six Degrees game—essentially you mention two actors and try to link them via their work. (E.g. Danny Glover and Taylor Swift—how do you link them? Danny to James Marsden (Death at a Funeral) Marsden to Kate Bosworth (Straw Dogs) Bosworth to Topher Grace (Win a Date with Tad Hamilton) Grace to Swift in Valentine’s Day. (We found you can link many people through Valentine’s Day and Ocean’s 11). The best part of the game was when Taylor Lautner was mentioned my husband said, “I have heard of her, who is she again?” Immediately a tweet was fired off by a kid to share Dad’s lack of Lautner knowledge.
•The kindness of friends--we received many offers to warm up, charge electronics, shower and use WIFI. It is wonderful to see such kindness.
•CL&P and all the other line crews from other states and Canada that helped us get our power back! They have taken a lot of heat—but Alfred was very destructive. I would not have expected to get power back in less than 5 days. It is all about setting your expectations people. Not everything in 2011 can be fixed with a push of a button.
•Finally, I am a bit of TV addict. My daughters are too. Well, we all survived a week without television. (My niece’s cable was out so we did not have access to TV or the internet there.) However, why was that so easy? Knowing that we could catch up On Demand or online!!!!
Eight days without power was not the worst experience in my life, in fact I thought parts of it were quite fun!
I reflected on all I was grateful for during the aftermath of storm Alfred and they are:
•My forward thinking (okay, you can think of it as doomsday thinking or my husband attributed it to my love of spending money.) in buying a generator immediately after storm Irene. My husband is right, I do have problem and love to shop—but really, does he think my problem is so bad that I would gleefully choose to spend that much money on a piece of equipment? Regardless of the reason, he was pretty happy on day two of the power outage when we could hook up the sump pumps! We only used it for the sump pumps and our electric chainsaw so my husband could take care of the tree debris in the yard. Most people have gas chainsaws—not us—we had to hook up our electric chainsaw to a gas powered generator!!!
•It could’ve been worse. Imagine if this happened in January. (Mind you, I realize the devastation would not be as bad in January because the leaves would’ve been off the trees…..) However, I was grateful that it was not 20 degrees outside. We did not need to use the generator for heat. Yes, the house was cold. We spent many days outside of the house and at night we all slept in the basement with blankets. I was actually too warm some nights!
•Perhaps I did not go crazy because I had a warm, friendly house to shower in. My niece and her family never lost power—and they only live about 3 miles away from us. I was extremely grateful for their hospitality. It was nice to shower, warm up, charge my phone and have some fun meals with her family and other displaced houseguests!
•Facebook, yes I said it. I am grateful for Facebook AND my smart phone. The information I received from Facebook friends, the local news channels and especially, my town’s police department was vital. If you are on Facebook, check to see if your local police department has a Facebook page. I checked for their status updates all the time. A big thank you goes out to the local police. Sometimes I wonder if a smart phone is worth the monthly charge. I will not question that anymore.
•I mentioned how at night I would often get too warm. I have the best blanket to thank for that. I bought it at Target last year—it is their own “Home” brand. One of my best purchases ever. I liked the first one I bought last year so much; I bought three more so we would all have one. They are so warm and soft. I did check to see if they have them on their shelves this year—and they do not. I will keep checking!
• The Alphabet game and Six Degrees of……. I was thankful for these games that do not require light or any type of power—just family and friends! If you do not know what the Alphabet game is—it is simple. You pick a topic, for instance movies. You then take turns going through the alphabet naming movies that begin with the letter you received. (e.g. All The President’s Men; Benji; Casablanca, etc.) The problem is you tend to run out of categories. We actually ended up using "swear words" as a category with our teenage daughters. Hey, it was a historic storm—we needed to add some levity to the situation!! Oh and if you do not know the Six Degrees game—essentially you mention two actors and try to link them via their work. (E.g. Danny Glover and Taylor Swift—how do you link them? Danny to James Marsden (Death at a Funeral) Marsden to Kate Bosworth (Straw Dogs) Bosworth to Topher Grace (Win a Date with Tad Hamilton) Grace to Swift in Valentine’s Day. (We found you can link many people through Valentine’s Day and Ocean’s 11). The best part of the game was when Taylor Lautner was mentioned my husband said, “I have heard of her, who is she again?” Immediately a tweet was fired off by a kid to share Dad’s lack of Lautner knowledge.
•The kindness of friends--we received many offers to warm up, charge electronics, shower and use WIFI. It is wonderful to see such kindness.
•CL&P and all the other line crews from other states and Canada that helped us get our power back! They have taken a lot of heat—but Alfred was very destructive. I would not have expected to get power back in less than 5 days. It is all about setting your expectations people. Not everything in 2011 can be fixed with a push of a button.
•Finally, I am a bit of TV addict. My daughters are too. Well, we all survived a week without television. (My niece’s cable was out so we did not have access to TV or the internet there.) However, why was that so easy? Knowing that we could catch up On Demand or online!!!!
Eight days without power was not the worst experience in my life, in fact I thought parts of it were quite fun!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Idol Theme Week: Jodi Picks the Songs!
I may blog about AI a little too much this season. I was skeptical about whether they could keep my interest without Simon. I know sometimes his comments were less than courteous and quite biting, however, he often spoke the truth. However, I am loving it this season. I do think JLO and Tyler need to learn to give constructive criticism because not everyone is always great.
I love the eclectic mix of singers this season. My two favorites are Casey Abrams and Paul McDonald. I know there may be better “singers’ than Paul in the competition, however, when I pick a favorite it is based on whether I would spend money on their music or a concert. I can appreciate a great singer, but it doesn’t mean I will buy their music. It just may not be my style of music. For instance, I know Celine Dion and Mariah Carey have fantastic pipes, but you will not find a song by either of them on my iPod. (Ed.note--I realized I do have at least one of them on my iPod due to a Christmas compilation album!)
I know when I see Casey Abrams in concert, not only will I hear a style of music I appreciate and enjoy; I will also be amused in between songs with his spot on sense of humor. It is hard for me to separate personality from talent. You could be the most talented person in the world, but if you do not have a personality that appeals to me or if I can’t respect you, I do not care about your talent. This goes way back for me. Poor Richard Chamberlain. When I was about 8 years old, I saw the Towering Inferno. Do you know who started the fire in The Towering Inferno? Richard Chamberlain. After that, I never liked him!! Okay, I know that is harsh. Yes, I can separate fiction from reality…NOW! Relating it back to Idol…I was not sad to see Jordan go last week. During group week, I found him to be pompous and obnoxious. So, I it was hard for me to root for him.
Okay, so my wish for 2011 is that Nigel Lythgoe calls me to say, next week’s theme week is “Songs Chosen by Jodi Oliver”. So, yes, I’m dreaming. Who cares what I think? However, it still fun to dream. So, below is my list of 2-3 song choices for each contestant. I had to follow one rule; I had to choose a song that I own. (I’m also not paying attention to my rule for contestants that they should sing songs that are well known. This is a private concert for ME!)
Casey:
The Cave by Mumford and Sons
Couldn’t Care More by Fine Young Cannibals
Til Kingdome Come by Coldplay
Pia:
Bright Lights and Promises by Janis Ian
Like a Bridge Over Troubled Water by Simon and Garfunkel
Paul:
Wonderwall by Oasis
There Will Be A Light by Ben Harper and The Blind Boys of Alabama
Til Kingdom Come by Coldplay (I know, I know..maybe they could do a duet)
(He could also do any Ray LaMontagne song)
Jacob:
Crying by Roy Orbison
Without a Song by George Benson
Thia:
I’m Not That Girl from Wicked
Here Comes the Sun the Beatles
Naima:
Chasing Pavement by Adele
I Who Have Nothing by Shirley Bassey
Ashton:
I Am Changing from Dreamgirls
Midnight by Yaz
Scotty:
Sail On by the Commodores (good non-country choice for him)
We Shall Be Free by Garth Brooks (I know he just sang Garth but..I love this song)
He Stopped Loving Her Today by George Jones (might be too depressing for Idol)
Haley:
The Trouble With Love is by Kelly Clarkson
Climb On by Shawn Colvin
Stepping Stone by Duffy
James:
Wild Flower by The Cult
I Alone by Live
Just Breath by Pearl Jam—for a pure softer side of James
Karen:
Ain’t No Mountain High Enough by Diana Ross
Songbird by Eva Cassidy
Lauren:
I’m so Lonesome I Could Cry by Hank Williams
Tomorrow by Lilix
Stefano:
Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word by Elton John
U Smile by Justin Bieber (It is a good song!)
I’d also love a duet of Lauren and Scotty singing “I Was Country, When Country Wasn’t Cool.”
I love the eclectic mix of singers this season. My two favorites are Casey Abrams and Paul McDonald. I know there may be better “singers’ than Paul in the competition, however, when I pick a favorite it is based on whether I would spend money on their music or a concert. I can appreciate a great singer, but it doesn’t mean I will buy their music. It just may not be my style of music. For instance, I know Celine Dion and Mariah Carey have fantastic pipes, but you will not find a song by either of them on my iPod. (Ed.note--I realized I do have at least one of them on my iPod due to a Christmas compilation album!)
I know when I see Casey Abrams in concert, not only will I hear a style of music I appreciate and enjoy; I will also be amused in between songs with his spot on sense of humor. It is hard for me to separate personality from talent. You could be the most talented person in the world, but if you do not have a personality that appeals to me or if I can’t respect you, I do not care about your talent. This goes way back for me. Poor Richard Chamberlain. When I was about 8 years old, I saw the Towering Inferno. Do you know who started the fire in The Towering Inferno? Richard Chamberlain. After that, I never liked him!! Okay, I know that is harsh. Yes, I can separate fiction from reality…NOW! Relating it back to Idol…I was not sad to see Jordan go last week. During group week, I found him to be pompous and obnoxious. So, I it was hard for me to root for him.
Okay, so my wish for 2011 is that Nigel Lythgoe calls me to say, next week’s theme week is “Songs Chosen by Jodi Oliver”. So, yes, I’m dreaming. Who cares what I think? However, it still fun to dream. So, below is my list of 2-3 song choices for each contestant. I had to follow one rule; I had to choose a song that I own. (I’m also not paying attention to my rule for contestants that they should sing songs that are well known. This is a private concert for ME!)
Casey:
The Cave by Mumford and Sons
Couldn’t Care More by Fine Young Cannibals
Til Kingdome Come by Coldplay
Pia:
Bright Lights and Promises by Janis Ian
Like a Bridge Over Troubled Water by Simon and Garfunkel
Paul:
Wonderwall by Oasis
There Will Be A Light by Ben Harper and The Blind Boys of Alabama
Til Kingdom Come by Coldplay (I know, I know..maybe they could do a duet)
(He could also do any Ray LaMontagne song)
Jacob:
Crying by Roy Orbison
Without a Song by George Benson
Thia:
I’m Not That Girl from Wicked
Here Comes the Sun the Beatles
Naima:
Chasing Pavement by Adele
I Who Have Nothing by Shirley Bassey
Ashton:
I Am Changing from Dreamgirls
Midnight by Yaz
Scotty:
Sail On by the Commodores (good non-country choice for him)
We Shall Be Free by Garth Brooks (I know he just sang Garth but..I love this song)
He Stopped Loving Her Today by George Jones (might be too depressing for Idol)
Haley:
The Trouble With Love is by Kelly Clarkson
Climb On by Shawn Colvin
Stepping Stone by Duffy
James:
Wild Flower by The Cult
I Alone by Live
Just Breath by Pearl Jam—for a pure softer side of James
Karen:
Ain’t No Mountain High Enough by Diana Ross
Songbird by Eva Cassidy
Lauren:
I’m so Lonesome I Could Cry by Hank Williams
Tomorrow by Lilix
Stefano:
Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word by Elton John
U Smile by Justin Bieber (It is a good song!)
I’d also love a duet of Lauren and Scotty singing “I Was Country, When Country Wasn’t Cool.”
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Success
How do you measure success?
I think only “YOU” can measure your own success. Success is something that cannot be generalized. What success looks like to me, may look very different to you. So, what does success look like to me? Below are 6 ways I measure success in my life:
1) A life with little or no regrets
2) Contentment
3) Children who treat others with respect and dignity
4) Treasured friends
5) Feeling healthy and fit (regardless of size)
6) A Balanced life (a good mix of family time, friend time and “me” time)
7) The ability to take a family vacation ever year.
8) Children who are comfortable simply being themselves.
I’m sure I could add more to the list, this was just off the top of my head. Now, I’ll explain each of these:
A life with little or no regrets
I really strive to have absolutely no regrets. However, I can think of two actions in my life that I wish I perhaps I would’ve behaved differently. However, I don’t know if I would consider them “regrets.” They are more of a “curiosity”. If I have a life decision to make—I often think of it in terms of future regret. I try to think of all the decision outcomes and which outcome would I regret “if”. Of course, predicting the “if” is always the problem. Another aspect of living life with no regrets is never to be afraid to share your opinion and speak your mind. For those that know me, I do not usually have a problem with sharing my opinion!
Contentment
Some people think of contentment as a negative. I do not. I believe contentment is when you are at peace with how things are in your life. I do not see contentment as “settling” as many do.
Children who treat others with respect and dignity
I’ve said it before; my goal is to raise good citizens. That is a measure of my success. My children will have to measure their own success their way.
Treasured friends
I know I sound like a broken record, but I have wonderful friends. However, by a treasured friend, I mean a friend who thinks of me, as I think of them. I have many friends I can count on for anything. That is only one part of the success of a treasured friend. The other is whether my friends feel like they can count on me for anything. I hope they know they can.
Feeling healthy and fit
This is one part of my life I struggle with. I go through phases of feeling fit and healthy. I need to be more consistent with this portion of my life. I will never be a size 6—my body truly was not meant to be that small. However, I could lose a few pounds. More importantly, I need to be more consistent about exercise. If I never lost a pound, but consistently worked out 3-6 times per week, I’d be happy.
A Balanced Life
I am a true believer in balance.--all aspects of balance. Here I am referring to balancing family time, friend time and time for me. As important as I believe family unit time is, I believe spending time with your friends is just as important to your well being. I also believe, you need to take time for yourself. How you spend that time is different for everyone. For me, that time is writing this blog, going to a movie and shopping.
The ability to take a family vacation every year
I struggled with adding this to the list. I wasn’t sure if it is a true measure of success for me or simply a goal. However, if you reach your goal—I suppose that is a success, right? I love to vacation. I love to expose my kids to new places and experiences. I treasured family vacations as a child and I believe that is why I still love a family vacation.
Children who are comfortable simply being themselves
I want my children to be happy. I believe truly knowing yourself and having the confidence to be yourself is a key to happiness. I hope I have raised my children to have this confidence.
Okay, those are my measures of success. However, when you think of your measures of success it is hard not to think of your shortcomings. I have two shortcomings that I wondered whether I should I add to my measure of success. I feel like I might be “happier” if I was in better control of my clutter and if I was a better cook. (Or should I say if I enjoyed cooking.) However, I don’t measure my success by the cleanliness of my house or the meals that I prepare. I will commit to making improvements in those areas of my life. My problem is, I prioritize everything over cleaning! Life comes before cleaning. At any rate, that is an entirely different subject.
Again, I digress. I’d be interested in hearing what success means to you. Share your thoughts!
I think only “YOU” can measure your own success. Success is something that cannot be generalized. What success looks like to me, may look very different to you. So, what does success look like to me? Below are 6 ways I measure success in my life:
1) A life with little or no regrets
2) Contentment
3) Children who treat others with respect and dignity
4) Treasured friends
5) Feeling healthy and fit (regardless of size)
6) A Balanced life (a good mix of family time, friend time and “me” time)
7) The ability to take a family vacation ever year.
8) Children who are comfortable simply being themselves.
I’m sure I could add more to the list, this was just off the top of my head. Now, I’ll explain each of these:
A life with little or no regrets
I really strive to have absolutely no regrets. However, I can think of two actions in my life that I wish I perhaps I would’ve behaved differently. However, I don’t know if I would consider them “regrets.” They are more of a “curiosity”. If I have a life decision to make—I often think of it in terms of future regret. I try to think of all the decision outcomes and which outcome would I regret “if”. Of course, predicting the “if” is always the problem. Another aspect of living life with no regrets is never to be afraid to share your opinion and speak your mind. For those that know me, I do not usually have a problem with sharing my opinion!
Contentment
Some people think of contentment as a negative. I do not. I believe contentment is when you are at peace with how things are in your life. I do not see contentment as “settling” as many do.
Children who treat others with respect and dignity
I’ve said it before; my goal is to raise good citizens. That is a measure of my success. My children will have to measure their own success their way.
Treasured friends
I know I sound like a broken record, but I have wonderful friends. However, by a treasured friend, I mean a friend who thinks of me, as I think of them. I have many friends I can count on for anything. That is only one part of the success of a treasured friend. The other is whether my friends feel like they can count on me for anything. I hope they know they can.
Feeling healthy and fit
This is one part of my life I struggle with. I go through phases of feeling fit and healthy. I need to be more consistent with this portion of my life. I will never be a size 6—my body truly was not meant to be that small. However, I could lose a few pounds. More importantly, I need to be more consistent about exercise. If I never lost a pound, but consistently worked out 3-6 times per week, I’d be happy.
A Balanced Life
I am a true believer in balance.--all aspects of balance. Here I am referring to balancing family time, friend time and time for me. As important as I believe family unit time is, I believe spending time with your friends is just as important to your well being. I also believe, you need to take time for yourself. How you spend that time is different for everyone. For me, that time is writing this blog, going to a movie and shopping.
The ability to take a family vacation every year
I struggled with adding this to the list. I wasn’t sure if it is a true measure of success for me or simply a goal. However, if you reach your goal—I suppose that is a success, right? I love to vacation. I love to expose my kids to new places and experiences. I treasured family vacations as a child and I believe that is why I still love a family vacation.
Children who are comfortable simply being themselves
I want my children to be happy. I believe truly knowing yourself and having the confidence to be yourself is a key to happiness. I hope I have raised my children to have this confidence.
Okay, those are my measures of success. However, when you think of your measures of success it is hard not to think of your shortcomings. I have two shortcomings that I wondered whether I should I add to my measure of success. I feel like I might be “happier” if I was in better control of my clutter and if I was a better cook. (Or should I say if I enjoyed cooking.) However, I don’t measure my success by the cleanliness of my house or the meals that I prepare. I will commit to making improvements in those areas of my life. My problem is, I prioritize everything over cleaning! Life comes before cleaning. At any rate, that is an entirely different subject.
Again, I digress. I’d be interested in hearing what success means to you. Share your thoughts!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Chinese Tiger Mother
The Chinese Tiger Mother has sparked a great deal of discussion lately. If you do not know what I’m referring to google: Wall Street Journal: Amy Chua: Why Chinese parents are superior.
I do not believe any one brand of parenting is superior to another. Parents have the toughest job in the world. There are multiple ways to parent and as parents, we will all succeed and fail at different times.
First, I understand that there are underlying cultural difference here. I actually even believe that perhaps the Chinese parenting model described in this article works best for Chinese children. I am not a scientist by any means, but I do think years of cultural traditions can become more than simply tradition. I wonder if it could be mapped into our DNA.
So, I’m not disputing her theories—I’m just going to share my own that may counter some of hers. Also, I am not generalizing “Chinese parents”—however, I will use that phrase as she did in her article to refer to her model of parenting.
Let me share some of the highlights from the article. The author stated her children will never be allowed to do:
•attend a sleepover
•have a play date
•be in a school play
•complain about not being in a school play
•watch TV or play computer games
•choose their own extracurricular activities
•get any grade less than an A
•not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama
•play any instrument other than the piano or violin
•not play the piano or violin.
Hmm..my children are allowed to do every single one of these items. I think exercising your right to choose ultimately teaches invaluable lessons that are vital to a successful adult life. When you reach adulthood and have a career, you will be overwhelmed with choices; choices that will impact not only you, but potentially your family and your employees. The earlier you can learn or detect the consequence of choices the better.
As far as sleepovers and play dates, I think they are vital to a person's overall well being. (I’m sure Ms. Chua would cringe at that phrase.) I’ve said it before and I’ll say it over and over again…I have the best friends and friendships in the world. I do not know if the bond between my friends and me would be so strong if it weren’t for sleepovers, play dates and extracurricular activities, chosen by me. I have wonderful childhood friends, college friends, work friends and now “mom” friends. I know I can count on any of them during the best and worst of times. I hope they know they can count on me. Honestly, I feel my friendships, and/or my ability to form friendships are the most important resources I have.
The author also stated that the following about Western parents:
•Extremely anxious about their child’s self-esteem
•Only ask their children to do their best (eg. vs. order them to get straight A’s)
•Concerned about the child’s psyches, they assume fragility vs. strength.
I actually do not disagree with any of these statements about Western parents, except that the reason we are concerned about the psyches of our children is because we assume fragility. I don’t think that is the reason.
I do think that parents included in “my’ generation tend to coddle their children a bit. (Even as a society we coddle kids--everyone receives a trophy, dogeball is not alowed during recess, etc.) However, I do believe how a person feels is important. I focus on self-esteem in my house to build upon the strengths my children have. I think we are born strong but people/events can whittle away at that strength. I hope for A’s, but I do not demand them. My kids shoot for A’s on their own. I think it is more meaningful for them to achieve an A when they desire it vs. me demanding it. I was born stubborn, if you demand something from me; I will probably give you the exact opposite of what you demand. Do my children always receive A’s? No, they do not. I do believe they try their best most of the time. I think when do not try their best, it is interesting for them to discover the consequence of their lack of trying. I believe self-discovery is tool that provides a greater impact in the learning process than being “told” something.
Ms. Chua mentioned that in her model it is okay to call your children names (e.g. pathetic, fat, stupid, worthless, garbage) to demonstrate how you feel about their performance. I could never imagine calling my children any of those names, even if they hit their lowest point. I believe you can achieve the same desired results with a different demeanor. It does not mean that I would be “soft” on them—I just would not choose “those” words. There is a managing model called Antecedents Behaviors Consequences, it works well in Corporate America and it works well as a parenting model tool. It involves finding the right antecedents and consequences for the desired behaviors for an indvidual-not the masses--the individual. (Yes, Ms. Chua, I do believe we are all special in our own way.)
I also find it interesting that Chinese parents demand their children to be the best. So, if five Chinese students are all in the same graduating class, and they are all parented according to this author’s style of parenting, which student will be the best? Typically, you do not have five Valedictorians. Only one person can be number 1, so how do you reconcile where the parenting went wrong in that case? This is also where I take offense to the claim of “superiority”….there are cases where “western” children who had sleepovers and choice end up number one in the class vs. the Chinese student raised via Ms. Chua’s parenting model. Again, just my case that there is not a one way road to parenting. If you look at the top 20 most successful people in the world--I bet they were each parented in a different way.
Ms. Chua also stated: “What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you're good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences.” I think this is interesting concept and I think for some kids it may work. However, I think for others it does not. Andre Agassi comes to mind—he recently revealed he hated tennis and only played because his father demanded it. Obviously, he reached the top—but being at the top did not make him love the sport.
Lastly, I’d like to delve into the following observation by Chua:
“Chinese parents believe that their kids owe them everything….the understanding is that Chinese children must spend their lives repaying their parents by obeying them and making them proud. By contrast, I don't think most Westerners have the same view of children being permanently indebted to their parents.”
I actually disagree with her. Personally, I totally felt indebted to my parents. Not because they told me I should, but because I respected them for raising me and giving me the best life that they could. I don’t tell my children that they owe me (I don’t like that term because it sounds like you do something to get something…I don’t believe in that. My actions are never motivated by what someone owes me in return.) So, I will say that I hope that my children will respect me enough, to do what they can for me when I am older.
When my parents became ill, my immediate family took a back seat. My father went into the hospital and my mom was also ill at her house. I had to stay with her, make her meals, and visit my Dad in the hospital. I would leave my husband and kids at about 9pm to head over to my mom’s. I would sleep there, get up make her breakfast. Head to my house to be sure the kids got off to school and then head to the hospital. I’d visit my dad, go to my mom’s to make her lunch, head back the hospital, head home or to the girls’ school for any carpooling activities, go back to my mom’s to give her dinner, head back to the hospital for a visit and then back home to spend an hour or so with my family and then head back to my mom’s to repeat it all for the next day. If I had time, I’d make something for dinner for my family; however, sometimes dinner consisted of Progresso soup.
At times I felt guilty, but in all honesty—I knew in my head and my heart I was doing the right thing. When you are doing the right thing—the guilt is not overwhelming. My kids and my husband understood and they were very supportive. My parents never, ever indicated to me that I “owed” them, but their love and support of me throughout my life somehow indicated to me that I would do anything for them. I “owed” it to them. I actually hope that my kids were taking notes and might treat me with that same respect and love when I am older and in need of help.
This story reminds me of one of the most important tools we have as parents: modeling behavior. Our kids watch our every move—if we want them to grow up to be upstanding citizens who work hard and treat people with respect—we need to model that for them.
Bottom line, parenting is a tough job. Most of us do our best and hope it works out. Good luck to all of you out there trying your best, no matter which style you are using.
I do not believe any one brand of parenting is superior to another. Parents have the toughest job in the world. There are multiple ways to parent and as parents, we will all succeed and fail at different times.
First, I understand that there are underlying cultural difference here. I actually even believe that perhaps the Chinese parenting model described in this article works best for Chinese children. I am not a scientist by any means, but I do think years of cultural traditions can become more than simply tradition. I wonder if it could be mapped into our DNA.
So, I’m not disputing her theories—I’m just going to share my own that may counter some of hers. Also, I am not generalizing “Chinese parents”—however, I will use that phrase as she did in her article to refer to her model of parenting.
Let me share some of the highlights from the article. The author stated her children will never be allowed to do:
•attend a sleepover
•have a play date
•be in a school play
•complain about not being in a school play
•watch TV or play computer games
•choose their own extracurricular activities
•get any grade less than an A
•not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama
•play any instrument other than the piano or violin
•not play the piano or violin.
Hmm..my children are allowed to do every single one of these items. I think exercising your right to choose ultimately teaches invaluable lessons that are vital to a successful adult life. When you reach adulthood and have a career, you will be overwhelmed with choices; choices that will impact not only you, but potentially your family and your employees. The earlier you can learn or detect the consequence of choices the better.
As far as sleepovers and play dates, I think they are vital to a person's overall well being. (I’m sure Ms. Chua would cringe at that phrase.) I’ve said it before and I’ll say it over and over again…I have the best friends and friendships in the world. I do not know if the bond between my friends and me would be so strong if it weren’t for sleepovers, play dates and extracurricular activities, chosen by me. I have wonderful childhood friends, college friends, work friends and now “mom” friends. I know I can count on any of them during the best and worst of times. I hope they know they can count on me. Honestly, I feel my friendships, and/or my ability to form friendships are the most important resources I have.
The author also stated that the following about Western parents:
•Extremely anxious about their child’s self-esteem
•Only ask their children to do their best (eg. vs. order them to get straight A’s)
•Concerned about the child’s psyches, they assume fragility vs. strength.
I actually do not disagree with any of these statements about Western parents, except that the reason we are concerned about the psyches of our children is because we assume fragility. I don’t think that is the reason.
I do think that parents included in “my’ generation tend to coddle their children a bit. (Even as a society we coddle kids--everyone receives a trophy, dogeball is not alowed during recess, etc.) However, I do believe how a person feels is important. I focus on self-esteem in my house to build upon the strengths my children have. I think we are born strong but people/events can whittle away at that strength. I hope for A’s, but I do not demand them. My kids shoot for A’s on their own. I think it is more meaningful for them to achieve an A when they desire it vs. me demanding it. I was born stubborn, if you demand something from me; I will probably give you the exact opposite of what you demand. Do my children always receive A’s? No, they do not. I do believe they try their best most of the time. I think when do not try their best, it is interesting for them to discover the consequence of their lack of trying. I believe self-discovery is tool that provides a greater impact in the learning process than being “told” something.
Ms. Chua mentioned that in her model it is okay to call your children names (e.g. pathetic, fat, stupid, worthless, garbage) to demonstrate how you feel about their performance. I could never imagine calling my children any of those names, even if they hit their lowest point. I believe you can achieve the same desired results with a different demeanor. It does not mean that I would be “soft” on them—I just would not choose “those” words. There is a managing model called Antecedents Behaviors Consequences, it works well in Corporate America and it works well as a parenting model tool. It involves finding the right antecedents and consequences for the desired behaviors for an indvidual-not the masses--the individual. (Yes, Ms. Chua, I do believe we are all special in our own way.)
I also find it interesting that Chinese parents demand their children to be the best. So, if five Chinese students are all in the same graduating class, and they are all parented according to this author’s style of parenting, which student will be the best? Typically, you do not have five Valedictorians. Only one person can be number 1, so how do you reconcile where the parenting went wrong in that case? This is also where I take offense to the claim of “superiority”….there are cases where “western” children who had sleepovers and choice end up number one in the class vs. the Chinese student raised via Ms. Chua’s parenting model. Again, just my case that there is not a one way road to parenting. If you look at the top 20 most successful people in the world--I bet they were each parented in a different way.
Ms. Chua also stated: “What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you're good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences.” I think this is interesting concept and I think for some kids it may work. However, I think for others it does not. Andre Agassi comes to mind—he recently revealed he hated tennis and only played because his father demanded it. Obviously, he reached the top—but being at the top did not make him love the sport.
Lastly, I’d like to delve into the following observation by Chua:
“Chinese parents believe that their kids owe them everything….the understanding is that Chinese children must spend their lives repaying their parents by obeying them and making them proud. By contrast, I don't think most Westerners have the same view of children being permanently indebted to their parents.”
I actually disagree with her. Personally, I totally felt indebted to my parents. Not because they told me I should, but because I respected them for raising me and giving me the best life that they could. I don’t tell my children that they owe me (I don’t like that term because it sounds like you do something to get something…I don’t believe in that. My actions are never motivated by what someone owes me in return.) So, I will say that I hope that my children will respect me enough, to do what they can for me when I am older.
When my parents became ill, my immediate family took a back seat. My father went into the hospital and my mom was also ill at her house. I had to stay with her, make her meals, and visit my Dad in the hospital. I would leave my husband and kids at about 9pm to head over to my mom’s. I would sleep there, get up make her breakfast. Head to my house to be sure the kids got off to school and then head to the hospital. I’d visit my dad, go to my mom’s to make her lunch, head back the hospital, head home or to the girls’ school for any carpooling activities, go back to my mom’s to give her dinner, head back to the hospital for a visit and then back home to spend an hour or so with my family and then head back to my mom’s to repeat it all for the next day. If I had time, I’d make something for dinner for my family; however, sometimes dinner consisted of Progresso soup.
At times I felt guilty, but in all honesty—I knew in my head and my heart I was doing the right thing. When you are doing the right thing—the guilt is not overwhelming. My kids and my husband understood and they were very supportive. My parents never, ever indicated to me that I “owed” them, but their love and support of me throughout my life somehow indicated to me that I would do anything for them. I “owed” it to them. I actually hope that my kids were taking notes and might treat me with that same respect and love when I am older and in need of help.
This story reminds me of one of the most important tools we have as parents: modeling behavior. Our kids watch our every move—if we want them to grow up to be upstanding citizens who work hard and treat people with respect—we need to model that for them.
Bottom line, parenting is a tough job. Most of us do our best and hope it works out. Good luck to all of you out there trying your best, no matter which style you are using.
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